(Wo)Men Speak Out™

OUR NEW BLOG SITE!

2009-08-29T23:00:00.001-07:00

Please follow us at our new blog site:
http://womenspeakout.wordpress.com/

We look forward to seeing you there :-)

WSO on National Public Radio!

2009-03-09T20:36:00.000-07:00

Here is an interview of Chris and Ophelia on the NPR radio show Sound Focus.

Playback Theatre

2009-02-23T12:27:00.000-08:00

Ophelia and I had the opportunity to spend our pre-Valentine Day show watching, or rather participating, in Playback Theatre. What is Playback? It's been around a long time, and it's like no other theatre you probably have been to.

In Playback, members of the audience are invited to come up to the stage and tell a story. The theme that night was Valentines Day. So people came up and told their stories. Some were happy, some sad, some angry, and some were inspirational.

The awesome thing about Playback is the general vibe of the audience. Everyone is so open and they are expecting to share a little of themselves for a performance like this.

At one point the host came around asking for an audience member and Ophelia raised her hand. I hid myself in my seat as I fully expected her to share some embarrassing moment involving yours truly.

She started tellling the story of how we first met. Just as I thought I was off the hook she said,"...but one thing that really annoys me about him is that he plays the Bee Gees all the time on the stereo..."

Before I had a chance to register embarrassed I yelled out, "It's NOT the Bee Gees IT'S Andy Gibb!!" No one disses on Andy while i'm around!

As you can probably surmise the Playback Troupe's performance ended with a playful rendition of some 70's disco dancing.

It was a great night. I encourage you to support Playback Theatre. They are all over the U.S. and Canada, and they are not for profit, making ends meet largely on audience donations.

So look up your local Playback and attend! For those survivors of trauma it can be quite therapeutic to see your local playback act out a difficult experience you may have had in the past. It's just another way of speaking out!

Chris
WSO

http://www.playbacktheaternw.org/

Only One

2009-01-07T12:13:00.000-08:00

It can be difficult sharing your story of abuse with others. I held onto my secret for over 20 years. The sad thing about holding onto secrets is that it makes you feel like you can't be you. I hate secrets. I had so many and I felt this scraping on my soul for having harbored them. I know that we all have our secrets, it's just part of living I guess. The erosion of ourselves comes when we feel as if we need to cling so tightly to them.

I speak about my abuse publicly, in front of different kinds of people. Many of them are survivors who are still clinging to the secret, trying to find a path to freedom. Many survivors are compelled to finally let someone know that they were abused. This is usually a highly emotional event, sort of like a human volcano erupting. It's been years and sometimes decades that we have been holding this back, this cataclysmic dark negative aura around us.

Even as I have told my story to loved ones and they have accepted it wholeheartedly. Even as I have felt the love and support from many of you out there. Even as, there is still this vestige of shame that is slow to dissipate.

We have been feeling shameful for our thoughts and actions for such a long time, especially those survivors of child abuse. But in our journeys back to the truth, to the free expression of the truth, we shake a little more shame off. Until one day we will reach a point where we fully realize we were not to blame, we didn't ask for this.

I can honestly remember most of the moments where I shook a little more shame off. No matter how far I have gone in my healing I still feel the tingle when I hear your stories because I can relate to these destructive events that happened to you. I can relate to your hope for freedom from the web of abuse you are in. I can be inspired by your path to freedom.

I started reading a book this morning and all those feelings stirred up inside of me again. The disgust, the fear, the deep shame to be who I was. But I wasn't alone. This was the authors story and I felt a little less shame after each turning of the page. I felt all those things that he did, and once again I knew I wasn't the only one.

You are not the only one.

Knowing this brings us out of our lonely, hopeless worlds. So I continued reading the book and felt a sense of relief. Like a gray cloud clearing within me. That all the thoughts in the heads of other survivors were my own. That all the feelings, emotions, and actions that other survivors have taken were my own. I felt relief that I wasn't the only one.

When You Get There

2008-12-20T09:58:00.001-08:00

When you get there, it will not look like healing. There, where exactly is that? There, where are we going? There, she says, as if it exists on a map. THIS WAY TO INCEST HEALING. RAPE GOES AWAY THIS EXIT. There, there, as in, to the place of new Earth. You have never been here before, away from the evil of your so called elders, unenmeshed from the black-widow-spun-incest-web. This is healing. It is barren at first. You will look out over the land and think to yourself, why am I here, where there is nothing? It hurts. It is scary. You will feel alone. Maybe you will feel nothing as you approach the precipice. You will jump, free falling. You must jump, girl. Jump into that nothingness you see, feel, and hear.

Nothing. Upon landing, you will turn around and see the demons retreat. You will be free. Lonely, yes, aching, yes, but free. Yes, free of lies, of intergenerational poison. Free of Daddy, with his raping heart, Mother who took flight, others who deemed you unseen, unheard. But this is not nothing, this unexplored place. There is YOU. You are never nothing.

But when you get there, it can feel and look like nothing, you may want to run into the past, cling back to the old tree vines, rotten and slick as they are, for fear of this seemingly barren nothingness.

But, if you listen deep and hard and still, you will hear it, you will feel it;

something….

You are a human seed. You are life springing anew. You are the reason. At first this uncharted territory is blindingly lonely, you look for Proust’s new eyes to guide you, Maya’s strength to rise, Alice’s purple fields to speak to you. Where is everything? You are the first, woman. You are the roots, the branches, the trunk, the rings within the body, the sap, the bark armor.

At first, it looks like fucking Chernobyl, so vastly damaged. But your eyes become newer all the time, your strength rises toward the sun daily, and in the long, slow future, purple blossoms. Life herself is what you are.

Grow your new tree. Your soil is beautiful, your seedlings whole, babies bursting into Earth like light through a prism, all miraculous color and light and reflective. You are a pioneer, Woman, you have led yourself through a quaking terror so sharp and piercing most would have given up, given in, gone along, saying,” There is no other pill to take, so I swallow the one that made me ill.” But not YOU, for you are life herself. YOU are never nothing. The trees know this, as do your children and spirits yet to be your children. The light kissed dawn knows this, you are surely something, surely within you a teeming garden awaits germination, the robust, fully grown oak tree within the acorn. THERE, that’s where ‘there’ it is. There lives in YOU. That child inside of you, the one you were, sacred and innocent, curious and free, THERE is the place you are going. And You will know the wonder of it all, when you get there.

Holidays Past, Present, and Future: From Turbulence to Calm

2008-12-13T08:42:00.000-08:00

I am feeling like saying say hello for the Holidays. Hello!!

The Holidays this year are pretty darn Merry in my home. This year feels as if a corner has been turned. I have had moments of deep calm and clarity. Partly I believe due to the fact that I have been exercising regularly for quite some time, and getting enough sleep, sex, and food. I have been getting way too much caffeine, but some things never change! I definitely feel energized for the holidays. I've been listening to The Reindeer Room remixed Christmas songs, it's a great compilation of songs set to groovy trip hop beats. I love it! That is part of my new family tree tradition. I have been concentrating on my new family tree as of late, we are the roots, the seeds even. I even bought an actual tree, a "Glitter tree", from Trader Joe's that will grow to 10 feet. We tore all the old stuff out. It's gone, ashes, ciao. I feel like a pioneer. I was having a conversation with a special person in my life the other day, and we were discussing past lives, whether they exist or not, and I said, for me, I do not feel like I have been here before. She said to me, "Maybe this is your first." That really resonated within me in a concrete way. That is just how it feels to me. I must be very careful too with my legacy, with what I pass to my kids having no blueprint to go by.

It's not that sexual abuse and my father are my only story, it's that that experience is one of many .

It's not about living in the past, but allowing the past to live in you and honoring it and healing from it and knowing when to allow it to go, piece by piece. It's not about spinning in circles but traveling the healing spiral and spiraling up rather than down. It's about being as hypersensitive to our goodness as we are our faults and perceived flaws. It is about realizing that this is your world now, not his/your abusers. It is about realizing you just may have to start over, and that you are a pioneer emotionally, spiritually, and physically. It is about blazing a warpath toward helping speak the truth about your life, which gives others in your life the permission to do the same. It is about learning when you are being treated well, and when it is time to let go of that friend or relationship you do not want to admit is killing you because you need to fix people. (I've tried that, and sure enough, my parents can not be fixed by proxy nor can my childhood.) Especially for the holidays, it is about breaking with old patterns and traditions and being a student of your new life. This means learning how YOU want to celebrate, reading about what others do and brainstorming for nouveauways to live from.

Paths to New Traditions: Create a collage that envisions your new values and rituals for the Holidays.

New kinds of music. Research ITunes. Google "Nontraditional" holiday music, or whatever you are interested in. If you never had anything traditional and want that as a new way of celebrating, do that.

I absolutely love remixed Holiday music, Christmas blues, anything that is groovy, loungey, jazzy, and unique. Get yourself ornaments that are in alignment with your creative side. Use this opportunity to open up your creative channel. Christmas/Holidays are a goldmine for creativity!

The Holidays for me are exciting not only because it is a collective celebration, and a time when things are magical and full of wonder, but also because it is the beginning of new beginnings. After the Holidays we get to look forward to a brand new year!

Yes, it is hard, painful, and challenging. It is not as hard or painful or costly as giving up or giving in and going along with the old family energy. That is just not an option for me, and so I go forward. Since beginning this and specifically implementing new Holiday traditions with my family, it gets so much easier as the rituals you create become unique to YOU and YOUR family. It is empowering. I feel completely empowered. Of course, I still tear up at times when thinking of my father and how it is not even safe to love a man who could rape you. This is normal. Yet, I can feel those moments and still feel EMPOWERED by what I have created now. And that is one of these basic human rights we had taken from us, the right to be empowered. I want to remind you, especially if you are struggling right now, it is YOUR life now. YOU have the power to change the trajectory your life travels. Allow the soft, the beautiful, the mundane, the sparkling moments, the peace that is your birthright, allow the light and allow the dark too. I think we live in parallels as survivors, ( I know I do)we step into the now, what is happening today, but we know the pain is till next to us, and that is okay too.

In Maya's wise words:

When we come to it

We must confess that we are the possible...
We are the miraculous, the true wonders of this world
Free to choose our ends, and our new beginnings
That is when, and only when...
We come to it.

Maya Angelou

Merry Happy Everything to ALL!

Love and Light, Sarah

Ophelia Interviewed

2008-10-18T19:23:00.000-07:00

This is an interview of Ophelia de Serres.

Parent With Presence: Simply Essential for School Success

2008-10-16T07:14:00.000-07:00

We all want our children to be successful in school. Children need to know that they are loved, safe, and sacred to us. There are many ways to demonstrate this to them. Words are one thing, but action is key. One simple way I want to discuss is volunteering your time in your child’s classroom.Children spend their days at school, and we at home or at work. When we let them go into the world, we have to be absolutely committed to remaining a PRESCENCE in their lives even as we are physically apart.When a parent makes the effort to come to school, and volunteer, even for half and hour in the classroom, you are giving your child the gift of your presence, by way of your time spent in his or her world. I must also stress the importance of Dads going in and helping out as well. My son lights up like a Christmas tree when my husband or me comes in to help out. He says,” I feel so…special, Mama. Just…. like, I can see you are always caring about me.“That’s the truth, kids see that you are there with them, aiding the teacher, acquainting yourself with the staff, the other children, and their lives as they know it at school.Many of us did not have present parents in any sense of the word. I come from an abusive family. I can vividly remember never having a parent come to school for anything. When I was in a school play in the second grade, I was so excited I could barely stand it. I was a doll, and my job was to sit on the stage for the whole play! I got to wear a special dress and special doll make up. When no one showed up, I felt such a deep sadness, and sense of invisibility. This is a mild example, but a poignant one nonetheless. I vowed years later that my children would never feel such feelings; stinging rejection and the humiliation of being stared at when your name is called and no parent stands up for you in the crowd. I know many of you have had similar experiences. If this is your legacy, it can stop with you.
A good compass for parenting with presence is getting as involved in your child’s classroom as much as you can. I understand parents work. As a stay at home mother, it has been a challenge for me at times to find child care for my youngest so that I can get to school. I have seen parents who come in once every two weeks on a lunch shift. Children talk about it all week and are overjoyed when their mom or dad comes in. What a gift!
One that we can give just by showing up. Isn’t that true for so much of life? Just show up. Showing up emotionally, not just physically. Here are some simple and easy tips for fostering presence in your child’s life:
*Make friends with the teacher, every year. Whether you talk on the phone, by email, or in person. Just talk. It’s all about communication. Some teachers are better at this than others. If you have a teacher who is not so hot in this area, voice your concerns calmly. If you are blessed with a teacher who is on the ball, be sure you thank her or him often.
*With my son, who is a second grader, I am co-room parent. I was sole room mother in kindergarten and chaperoned every field trip. This year I talk three or four days a week with my son’s teacher. If you wait until conference or progress report time, you may end up having a much bigger mess to clean up. Kids can fall behind in a flash. It’s all about being a maintainer, a sort of diligence cop. If your child is behind, it falls on you as much as your child, because it is our job as parents to set rules and boundaries and enforce them, they need us to be on their backs all the time. Resist as they might, that is to be expected and is even more reason to get in there and stay in the process with them.
Some suggestions:
*Join the PTA, try to go to meetings. Your PTA needs you. You need the PTA. It’s a win-win.
*Go to as many school events as possible. We go to almost every one. This gives my son an extra dose of belonging in his school community.
*Offer to bring in extra supplies for the class. Yes, they always need supplies. It could be Kleenex or disinfectant. Small or large, it will be appreciated.
*Have an ongoing conversation with your child’s teacher about how your child is doing. Read the lesson plans if you can. Ask for handouts on exactly what they are learning. For example, for reading levels, most schools have certain levels your child needs to be at in order to be making adequate progress. Your library should have corresponding handouts with age appropriate books that aid in your child reading on the correct level. If they do not have this, ask them to provide them.
*Stress the importance of education, in general. Education is the key to the future. My son knows it is fundamental right and also a responsibility he must take very seriously.
~Let me preempt, you think you do not have the time? Prioritize. Make the time. Don’t talk about it, be about it. The laundry can wait. Start early, kindergarten, even preschool if your child is in one.
As a mother who makes an effort to be a present force in my child’s life at school, as well as home, I pop into class early. I help organize, along with the my co-room mother, Learning Experiences, Center Time, Book Fair, and the volunteer list. It’s sort of like being a detective. It’s a fun way to be in the know. I can see Dominic’s self esteem and sense of self value rise each and every time I reach into his life at school by being there. Yes, sometimes I am simply stapling their journals together for the week. I sit and staple and watch and listen. Every few minutes Dominic will look up and smile at me. The other kids do too, and I feel so blessed to be a source of presence for them. Other times I am working with groups, and at times I am assigned to some one on one time with a particular child. I have made an effort to know each child in his class beyond their names. Dominic loves this. In this way, you get to be a sort of Earth Mother to all of your child’s friends. The hugs and hi-fives I receive from his classmates when I come in makes my day!
On the research side, in study after study, researchers discover how important it is for parents to be actively involved in their child's education. Here are some of the findings of major research into parental involvement:

When parents are involved in their children's education at home, they do better in school. And when parents are involved in school, children go farther in school — and the schools they go to are better.

The family makes critical contributions to student achievement from preschool through high school. A home environment that encourages learning is more important to student achievement than income, education level or cultural background.Reading achievement is more dependent on learning activities in the home than is math or science.

Reading aloud to children is the most important activity that parents can do to increase their child's chance of reading success. Talking to children about books and stories read to them also supports reading achievement.When children and parents talk regularly about school, children perform better academically.Three kinds of parental involvement at home are consistently associated with higher student achievement: actively organizing and monitoring a child's time, helping with homework and discussing school matters.

The earlier that parent involvement begins in a child's educational process, the more powerful the effects.

Positive results of parental involvement include improved student achievement, reduced absenteeism, improved behavior, and restored confidence among parents in their children's schooling.

Involvement in your child's education can mean:Reading to your child

Checking homework every night.

Discussing your children's progress with teachers.

Voting in school board electionsHelping your school to set challenging academic standards

Limiting TV viewing on school nights

Becoming an advocate for better education in your community and state.　

We are witness to our children‘s lives. We need to band together as parents and be a strong, stable, encouraging presence in their school life. For me, it is really about being there in mind and body. This is parenting with presence.

Advocate event posting

2008-10-09T15:03:00.000-07:00

Interview with author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story
http://www.beyondthetears.com

Lynn C. Tolson, author of Beyond the Tears: A True Survivor’s Story, will be interviewed on October 11, 2008 6-7 PM ET.

Listen live at http://www. wcbm.com or with the hosts at http://www. WomanTalkLive.com

Lynn will discuss her memoir in October, which is National Domestic Violence Awareness
Month. If you cannot listen live, wait for the archive which will be at
http://www.womantalklive.com/podcasts.html"

NEW BANNERS!

2008-09-17T23:13:00.000-07:00

As requested, here are the new logo banners for you to link back to from your sites.

Copy and paste the below listed code of your choice.

Thank you for all that you do!!

10 Year Old Girl Dies

2008-09-17T19:11:00.000-07:00

As an Advocate I have studied and been witness to the experience of survivors of violence on numerous levels. That said, I am still affected by what I hear and see. I feel it is imperitive that we, as a global community be aware of not only abuse in our own backyards but that of our sisters and brothers around the globe. The incidence of violence is no longer an epidemic. It is in fact, pandemic.

It is time to open our ears, our eyes, our hearts....our consciousness. There is no black and white solution, but solutions are there. We must first, educate....ourselves and each other.

Key facts:

* Female genital mutilation (FGM) includes procedures that intentionally alter or injure female genital organs for non-medical reasons.
* An estimated 100 to 140 million girls and women worldwide are currently living with the consequences of FGM.
* In Africa, about three million girls are at risk for FGM annually.
* The procedure has no health benefits for girls and women.
* Procedures can cause severe bleeding and problems urinating, and later, potential childbirth complications and newborn deaths.
* It is mostly carried out on young girls sometime between infancy and age 15 years.
* FGM is internationally recognized as a violation of the human rights of girls and women.

The following is an excerpt from the V-Report from Kenya: 10 Year Old Girl Dies from FGM

V-Day supporter Kim Rosen was recently working at the V-Day Safe House in Narok Kenya, and sent us this first hand report of tragic death that we wanted to share with you. V-Day is committed to continuing to work to end Female Genital Mutilation. This story reminds us all that there is more work to be done.

On August 18, in the tiny village of Narosura in the Rift Valley, a 10 year-old girl died from Female Genital Mutilation. At 5 that morning she was cut. By 10, she had bled to death.

Her family wrapped the body in a sheet and secretly buried it a few yards from their huts. By that afternoon, there was no evidence of the crime.

If it were not for the network of conscience that Agnes Pareyio has woven into the Maasai community, this child's death would have gone unnoticed. But an anonymous "informer" called her on the morning of the ceremony, in time for her to send one of her collaborators and an officer of the law to the hasty funeral.

As a result, for the first time in Maasai history, a circumciser has been arrested.

This child's death is reminder that the work is far from done. Girls are still being cut in the Rift Valley and many other places in the world. Some are dying. All are scarred for life. Agnes Pareyio is one of the leading activists of the V-Day movement. Please join us in continuing to support her work to change the fate of Maasai girls and stop FGM worldwide.

Help Pass Senate Bill 1738—The PROTECT Our Children Act

2008-09-15T14:17:00.001-07:00

Help Pass Senate Bill 1738—The PROTECT Our Children Act Hundreds of thousands of children are victims of sexual abuse each year. Due to the sheer lack of resources, law enforcement is unable to follow up on the majority of leads they have.
The PROTECT Our Children Act will:
Authorize over $320 million over the next five years in desperately needed funding for law enforcement to investigate child exploitation. Mandate that child rescue be a top priority for law enforcement receiving federal funding. Allocate funds for high-tech computer software that can track down Internet predators. Act Now!Your U.S. senators will be voting on the bill soon, so it is crucial you contact them immediately.Go to www.senate.gov to find contact information for the senators in your state. Search for your senator by name or state by clicking on the arrow from either dropdown menu. Contact information is provided here. To send an e-mail, click on "Web Form" below his or her name, and e-mail your letter to make a difference!
Call Your SenatorsIf you choose to contact your senators by phone, be sure to tell them, "Vote yes on Senate Bill 1738—The PROTECT Our Children Act."
Write to Your SenatorsIf you choose to write a letter, fax, telegram or e-mail, you may use the following sample letter—and modify it how you see fit.
Dear Senator:
I know that you believe, like I do, that we must do everything possible to protect children from sexual predators. That is why I am asking for your help.
Last year alone, U.S. law enforcement identified over 300,000 criminals who were trafficking in movies and pictures of young children being raped and tortured. Experts say that one in every three of these criminals has local child victims. Child pornography trafficking over the Internet has given us a trail of evidence that leads straight to their doorsteps, but the vast majority of these children will never be rescued because investigators are overwhelmed, outnumbered and underfunded.
As your constituent, I urge you to do everything in your power to pass the PROTECT Our Children Act (S. 1738, Biden-Hatch). This bipartisan legislation passed the House 415-2, but it is now the victim of petty partisan politics.
Now that we know where these children are and how to protect them, there is no excuse for the Senate to fail to take action this session.
(Your name here)
Instructions for How to Copy and Paste the LetterTo copy and paste the letter into your senator's web form at www.senate.gov, point your mouse arrow at the beginning of the text that you want to copy. Click your left mouse button and hold it down. While holding the left mouse button, drag your arrow to the end of the text that you want to copy. Release the button. The text should be highlighted. Place your mouse arrow over the highlighted text, click your right mouse button once and let go. A new menu should appear. Select Copy from the drop down menu. When you get to the message form field for your senator at www.senate.gov, point your arrow at the beginning of the message field that you want to copy your text to and right click with your mouse. Click Paste from this menu. Submit your form and help our children!

What Barack Obama Means For the Fatherless

2008-09-03T09:25:00.000-07:00

What Barack Obama Means to the FatherlessBy: Sarah Elise Stauffer (View Profile)A good survior friend of mine and I were waxing on this and he asked me to write a little about it, so my dear lovely here you go(You are a wonderful man and father! Remember that!):We took our kids to see Obama at a rally a couple of weeks ago. It was electric, amazing, and very powerful to do with our kids. We believe in teaching them to honor that they HAVE A VOICE, TO USE THAT VOICE, AND EFFECT CHANGE, TO BE OPINIONATED, AND NOT TO BE SHEEP."To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you ought to prefer is to have kept your soul alive."Robert Louis StevensonObama is sincere and eloquent, brilliant beyond an ivy league level-he is emotionally intelligent. He is socially intelligent. And he alleviates my need for cyniscim. I was raised by cynics. I threw that veil of shame-and many others- off years ago. I refuse to pass that to my kids. That will not be their legacy. Or mine. But I understand it and empathize with those feeling it. It is easier in some ways to remain cynical. It is safer than putting yourself out there, we think, because then we risk disappointment. Sometimes it means going against your own inherited family rules(it did in my case.), spoken or unspoken. My children have made me believe in life, they kind of pulled the rug out from under my very cynical nature. My hubby the same, he went against his upbringing to become extremely positive, politically outspoken, and idealistic. Kids, they do the damndest thangs. ;)This country could use some hope. It's as if some people are allergic to it. I understand. One thing he said that resonated deeply with me and especially with my survivor friends was that "FATHERS IN THIS COUNTRY OWE MORE TO THEIR KIDS-THEY NEED TO STAND UP AND BE MEN AND BE A REAL FATHER TO THEIR CHILDREN." HE IS USING HIS PERSONAL PAIN AS A FATHERLESS CHILD to effect social change. SO important. I do not care if you are republican, independent, libertarian, liberal, purple people eater, whattheheckever, this is a common universal need. Touting family values is one thing, valuing family another. Fathers need to be there for their offspring. Period. That your father was absent, abusive, nonexistent, or otherwise emotionally/physically not there must be faced. And felt. This is of interest to all of us who either had abusive fathers, or nonabusive fathers. Every father needs to be more emotionally in tune and available to their kids. Fathers need to protect and provide, but they need to exhibit empathy and reverence toward and for their children. So many children, girls and boys, are growing up feeling a vague uneasy sense of disconnectedness, they are acting out (criminal behavior, hurting others, etc) or acting in(self destructive, my hubby and I both did this for years as teens) because of this: Just because you are a 'father' and you bring home the proverbial bacon does not mean you are done. My husband is a fabulous example-because he shows the boys it good and right to feel, how to conduct oneself as a man, to empathize with another's struggle, to express their dreams and hopes, to be kind and sensitive to women, children, other men, humans all over, to think about animals, to honor the life force itself. In this rigidly patriarchal society we have lost the sacrament of the sensitive male. Fathers showing their feelings, imagine that. Golly gee. To their sons, to their daughters. What a novel idea. It touches my life so much that Obama is verbalizing this reality, fathers are not fathers just because they provide. That's a provider. Fathers are not fathers just because they made a baby, that's a sperm donor. A child knows when a parent is giving them their energy-it's an energy, a connection, a soul feeling. They know it. It is a soul nourishment. To all my survivor friends, I know this means something deeply profound to you as well. To anyone who has not directly experienced father issues, I know you can be proud of this as well. Obama is challenging the staus quo by saying this. He is calling out those fathers who are emotionally lazy and do not want to own up to their own feelings about fatherhood. Kids are growing up feeling fundamentally flawed inside because of their parents issues, issues that they project all over the child-who then absorbs the crap as their own. To me, that's what Obama is about. Now, I am a proud Democrat, a very liberal one, although I do believe in the death penalty for child killers and rapers, but I say this as a woman, mother, wife, and daughter of two very inadequate, abandoning, abusive parents. I don't care that Obama is more moderate than I might like-I don't think he'll be legalizing pot or confronting the failed drug war, putting nonviolent drug offenders in rehab instead of prison, for instance. Nor has any candidate gotten up there and said, "I plan to erradicate incest, because 1/3 girls and 1/5 boys are sexually abused in this country." I'm still waiting on that. BUT, that he is voicing this call for fathers to step up-is why-among a zillion other reasons(health care,we were personally affected by no health insurance when our first son was born, it was awful and everyone should enjoy a wonderful socialized health care system, it's working beautifully for Australia, Europe, even Cuba for fuck's sake),pro choice rights(it's a desicion that belongs to a woman, it is her body and that is that.) ,actually addressing sources of unwanted pregnancy and aiming to prevent it(fathers in the home loving their daughters would help this too), sex education is the only realistic way to do this, less warmongering more diplomacy, ANY diplomacy at this point, more gun control(I don't want kids getting their hands on guns, our country is number one for gun related death, just more control, you NRA folks just chill, for me, we need to screen people and keep guns out of the hands of kids like Dylan Klebold and prevent more Columbines), shall I go on) I will proudly vote for him. Anyone who can not find a reason to do the same I ask you to think about this, just this, the subject of fathers It's something I think we can all agree on. Namaste.

Svava and Ophelia in Seattle

2008-08-21T21:32:00.000-07:00

This is my friend Svava. She's one of the many amazing superstar advocates who have made it their mission to advocate for survivors of abuse worldwide. Originally from Iceland, Svava is spreading her wings in the United States. I truly believe that only by joining forces and working together will we make the biggest impact. Together, we are making a difference. To learn more about Svava and her organization, visit her website: Click here

Letting Go of Toxic Friends

2008-08-01T08:51:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of one of my beautiful non toxic friends, Mariclaire. I just got out of one of these relationships-I put up with ridiculous bullshit for 2 years. I do not want anyone else to put themselves through that to try and savesomeone from themselves. People have to want to heal, period. I feel this is a very important issue, especially for survivors. Much Love, SES

Detoxifying Toxic Friendships as seen on Divine Caroline dot com.

Detoxing is not just for rehabbed celebutantes, no no no. Now, no relationship is perfect. Relationships are indeed complex and dynamic. But toxic friendships exist whether we like it or not. Toxic friends engage in a pattern of sliming us with their toxicity. Toxic people are very adept. You know the ones of which I speak—she is the one who doesn’t do anything too blatant and egregious. That way, you can’t actually call them out on it. Most of the time that is. Sometimes they do, and you take them to task, asserting yourself, only to watch as nothing changes.If you find yourself in a relationship that begins to feel, or has always felt, too intense, too draining, too yucky, it maybe time to cut the cord. “‘Toxic friend’ is pop psychology,” says Jenn Berman, PhD, a psychologist in private practice in Beverly Hills, Calif. “I would say it’s someone who, after spending time with them, makes you feel bad about yourself instead of good; someone who tends to be critical of you—sometimes in a subtle way and sometimes not so subtle; a friend who drains you emotionally, financially, or mentally, and they’re not very good for you.” They are psychic vampires. Toxic friendships wreak havoc on one’s personal sense of well being and peace. A toxic person can be described in many ways: that “friend” who is always negative, always critical, the one who after you have spent any amount of time with leaves you feeling drained. She thrives on drama. She talks about others, how stupid they are, and she giddily expresses happiness at other’s misfortune. She talks at great length about how much money she and her spouse make … every single time you talk. You have problems—which she claims to want to hear about—but it always magically ends up being about her problems. She accuses you of not caring when she is the one behaving in an uncaring manner. In other words, she projects her flaws on to you. She tries to manipulate you.Toxic people always have a complaint about something, with the world; they carry a grudge about everything. Toxic friends can constantly disappoint you or break promises. This is usually the result of childhood wounding. We usually put up with this crap for the same reason. Enough. It is time to emancipate ourselves from the need to fix or rescue people. This can be incredibly difficult for those of us who were brought up in unstable homes with parents we had to parent rather than us being parented. The real question is—why do we put up with this nonsense, especially as women?
Why do we allow people to exist in our lives when they do nothing but bring us down? We feel we have to, we do not want to make others angry, and we do not want to be judged. If we no longer “play the game,” the toxic friend will seek out others to prop themselves upon. Love yourself and put your needs first. This friend will find another target in order to prop up her own fragile ego.Friends should lift us up, leaving us feeling happy and at peace after interacting with them. Their care feels evident and sincere. A primary element in a healthy, positive friendship is that both friends can feel that they can be themselves; they don’t have to put on masks or impress one another. One key in healthy relationships is reciprocity. Reciprocity is about balance. Are you always the giver and never given to? We need to exchange the right amount of affection, attention, and care for relationship harmony to prevail. Does your friend reciprocate in your friendship? I have a wonderful friend, Mariclaire, who never fails to complement me on things, whether it be my mothering, my creativity, my marriage, or my ass in a new pair of Seven jeans. I have never sensed one iota of competition with her. I reciprocate with her as well. Even on the ass compliments! She has a great one! All joking aside, Mariclaire, or MC as I call her, is also a fantastic mother, wife, and friend.
Setting boundaries is essential. Don’t answer the phone. Sometimes we need to talk it out. Try asking “And why do you think that?” or “Do I really need this from you?” This may make them stop and think, and it shores up your self respect. Sometimes it seems we try to no end to express our feelings only to see no results. That’s because people must change themselves; nothing we say or do can alter another person. Just because you have a history with someone, that doesn’t mean you have to repeat it. If you feel as if you can not share your joy with a “friend,” ask yourself why. Are you afraid it will make them jealous? Angry? Is it visibly obvious? Do they get defensive or pseudo-excited? This is not friendship, but an attachment, a fantasy, an illusion of bonding. It is not healthy.
Many women have an excruciating time extricating ourselves from these relationships. These include: women who like to feel needed, people who feel like they do not deserve a healthier, saner, more balanced relationship, women who are stuck—either feeling angry, guilty, or sorry for their distressing “friend.” Detoxing is the way to clean ourselves out. Think of it as relationship Feng Shui—the idea is to purge the clutter. We do not have to fix or rescue or tolerate the shenanigans of these desperate people. Have compassion, but also for yourself, and with some people, have all compassion you want, from afar. Do not become enmeshed. Declare your independence.Take a Toxicity Inventory about your friend. Is her life full of chaos and negativity and even at times downright maliciousness toward others? Suggest professional help. A toxic friend might need a professional. If she comes from an abusive background, she definitely does. Her toxicity will affect her career, emotions, and family, though she’ll most likely never admit it. How can you approach this touchy subject? Point out to your friend how she is treating you and ask her to stop, and if she continues, take it to the next level. Say to her, “I know you are a good person, but maybe you want to seek help.” If you have tried this to no avail, throw in the towel.If we have a friend who is always in need, always in crisis, always attempting to one up us, who is toxic, it is time to detox. You can say, simply, “I have changed and wish to end this friendship as it has become painful and draining to me.” By standing up to pseudo-friends, in reality you are losing nothing and gaining self-esteem, self respect. Once we get past the illusion of this friendship, we can see that we are losing, yes. What we are losing a whole lot of pain. Decide to surround yourself with positive feminine energy; you will be much happier for it.My mantra for this issue is this: Alice Walker says:
No person is your friend (or kin) who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow and be perceived as fully blossomed as you were intended. Amen, Awomen.
Alice Walker, author of The Color Purple, has written fiction about African American women's experience. Alice Walker has also been an activist on environmental, feminist, and womanist causes, as well as working for racial and economic justice.

What Did It Feel Like

2008-07-23T18:57:00.000-07:00

What did it feel like

As you walked away

From me

Your daughter?

What does that feel like,

Walking away from your child?

How does the air move around your body?

What shoes does one wear to do this?

Did you tread gingerly,

The dusty ground making crunching sounds?

Did the perhaps ground slip out from under you,

Quaking under your feet with the knowledge
of what you were about to do?

Or did you run,

Fast and hard and awayso as not to feel

My heart

Two years from my birth,

Break apart.

Did you tilt your head as you walked?

Did you look back and see me?

Did you then drive to your mother’s for comfort,

Or to forget,

Did you walk hastily through to her backyard,

Falling to your knees,

Praying to the bluebirds you found there?

Did their wings tell of my loss?

Each flap my execution.

In those moments after your exit,

Did my scent remain with you?

At the sight of the stars,
did it smash into you,

Smearing you into the oily Earth,

The realization that,
God help you,

I was probably looking at the same stars,

Alone,

Lips quivering,

Without you?

And later,

when you sniffed the piano key white powder

deep

into your nose,

Did you think your heart,

And therefore mine,

Could forget

Through numbness?

Did you think, at all?

And when it stormed,

late into the night,

Did you ever awaken with a start,

panicking that I too,

May be somewhere in my

tinygirlbody,

Wracked with thunderous grief,

With the total annihilation of your leaving?

And when my father took me, at three years old,

For himself in his bed,

Could you feel it?

When you shopped at the market every Saturday,

Bumping into that sweet ole Creole lady

As you Mumbled, ‘Excuse me, Maa’m…”

and the sun colored oranges caught your darting eye.

Did you wonder, then,

Does Sarah,

daughter,

Like oranges?

Or were oranges oranges

and storms storms and mother’s hearts just numb.

And what of your father, your mother,

What did they teach you that you believed I was better off with anyone but the woman who birthed me,

You,

My Mother?

7 Foods That Fight Anxiety

2008-07-19T20:25:00.000-07:00

7 Foods That Fight Anxiety

Bills arriving in heaps? Gas prices sky-rocketing? Summer love turned sour? Regardless of the cause, there's a counter-intuitiveness to the goodies we turn to for comfort. Take the classic-curling up with a pint of ice cream. It's a total backfire. Why? Sweets are insidious: After the initial rush, the body's insulin response kicks in, causing a sudden blood sugar drop that triggers the release of stress hormones. Soon you're feeling more jangled than you were before you inhaled that whole container of Chunky Monkey. And alcohol, of course, is a wolfish stimulant in calm sheep's clothing.
But true comfort foods do exist.
1. Berries, any berriesEat them one by one instead of M&Ms when the pressure's on. For those tough times when tension tightens your jaw, try rolling a frozen berry around in your mouth. And then another, and another. Since the carbs in berries turn to sugar very slowly, you won't have a blood sugar crash. The bonus: They're a good source of vitamin C, which helps fight a jump in the stress hormone cortisol.
2. GuacamoleIf you're craving something creamy, look no further. Avocados are loaded with B vitamins, which stress quickly depletes and which your body needs to maintain nerves and brain cells. Plus their creaminess comes from healthy fat. Scoop up the stuff with whole-grain baked chips-crunching keeps you from gritting your teeth.
3. Mixed nutsJust an ounce will help replace those stress-depleted Bs (walnuts), give you a whopping amount of zinc (Brazil nuts)-it's also drained by high anxiety-and boost your E (almonds), which helps fight cellular damage linked to chronic stress. Buy nuts in the shell and think of it as multi-tasking: With every squeeze of the nutcracker, you're releasing a little bit of tension.
4. OrangesPeople who take a 1,000 mg of C before giving a speech have lower levels of cortisol and lower blood pressure than those who don't. So lean back, take a deep breath, and concentrate on peeling a large orange. The 5-minute mindfulness break will ease your mind and you'll get a bunch of C as well.
5. AsparagusEach tender stalk is a source of folic acid, a natural mood-lightener. Dip the spears in fat-free yogurt or sour cream for a hit of calcium with each bite.
6. Chai teaA warm drink is a super soother, and curling up with a cup of aromatic decaf chai tea (Tazo makes ready-to-brew bags) can make the whole evil day go away.
7. Dark chocolateOkay, there's nothing in it that relieves stress, but when only chocolate will do, reach for the dark, sultry kind that's at least 70% cocoa. You figure if the antioxidant flavonoids in it are potent enough to fight cancer and heart disease, they've got to be able to temper tension's effects.

Dreaming Mother

2008-07-08T07:30:00.000-07:00

In my dream last night, my son, who is 7, was playing the in the surf. On a beach with white sand. I kept walking out to him, brushing his blonde hair back from his eyes, the warm breeze blowing all around us, asking,"Are you doing okay? Do you need Mama for anything?" He said he was ok, just playing, and I kept walking back about 10 feet to the edge of the water. Suddenly, the lights went out as it were, the sun literally went out. It was dark, pitch black, parents were screaming.
I stood up, and a profound sense of knowingness washed over me. I closed my eyes, yes, in the dark, and listened for him. Once he said,"I'm over here". I heard him, but I already knew where I was going. I listened, not for auditory sounds necessarily, but for the pull in my belly, in my heart, the magnetism of him. There was a feeling of being wrapped in something and gently pulled by it. Yet, I felt it from the inside, and I knew I could only access it by closing my eyes, that the seeing I needed was INSIDE of me. The feeling was so deep, so real, and it drowned out all other noise. I put my hands out like a sleepwalker, and kept my eyes closed. I was guided right to him. I never once lost it, or felt one bit of fear. I did not open my eyes until we got back to shore, and the sun came back on.In this quieting of all the screams around me, a silence in my own head, in my self was louder, and it pulled me inward.. My mother radar just clicked. I felt no fear, nor did he. He knew I would find him. Closing my eyes in the dark to find him, yes. The seeing that I needed was inside of me, that vibration, that knowingness, the pull of mothertochild.
Magical.
It's weird to explain, but this dream reminded me of the mythical tale of the handless maiden, the girl who regains her hands after having her baby, the healing that children bring. Here is a synopsis:
My first experience with the "Armless Maiden" was reading a powerful Xhosa version of the tale, "A Father Cuts Off His Daughter's Arms," performed by Mrs. Nongenile Masithatu Zenani, a Xhosa storyteller from South Africa, and translated by Harold Schueb. In this version a widowed father chooses not to remarry and relies on his young daughter to perform his wife's household duties of cooking and cleaning. When the girl reaches puberty, he attempts to coerce his daughter into filling the sexual role of his deceased wife as well. The girl steadfastly refuses his advances, bursting into noisy weeping that threatens to alert the neighbors. The next day the father takes her into the woods. Once again he demands that she have sex with him. When she again refuses, he cuts off her arms with a knife and leaves her in the woods to die. Bleeding and in tremendous pain, the girl suffers in solitude until hunger forces her to her feet. Dazed, she begins to wander through an "endless forest, ascending and descending." Symbolism, anyone?
The armless maiden is required to relate the story of her father's crime three times before she is rescued and brought into the homestead. Once bathed, the family realizes that even without her arms the girl is beautiful, and she is soon married to their son. At first this seems a resolution, particularly when she gives birth to a child, but gradually problems arise. Without her arms, the new mother can not care for her infant, what will she do?
The young woman returns to the woods and begins a second journey, ascending and descending the endless forest until, weary and thirsty, she comes upon a lake. Having lived in the wood for many days with her child, the woman stops by a stream to rest and refresh herself. As she bends over the water's edge, the child slips from her back and falls into the water. The handless one, knowing it is futile to reach into the waters to save the baby, shoves her stumps into the cold depths. When she does so, her hands instantly grow back.

My therapist related this to me years ago. That is so powerful. That is what we mean by healing for or through one's child. It can apply to partners too.
The line between what we do for ourselves to heal and what they do to help us is barely tangible yet indelible all the same. "And if there is a way to find you I will find you....threads that are golden don't break easily.." Horses, Tori Amos.

My boundaries are not just about keeping people out or letting them in, or having healthy this or that with others, it's also about knowing myself, knowing that I am good because I exist, and seeing through the internalized shame shell I inherited and was given by my parents through their abandonment of me, physical, sexual, spiritual. I feel into my cells that I AM a good mother in ways I never could allow myself to believe before. The shame I have carried over my own mother's maternal inadequacies, my father's outright betrayals and abuse, this dream pierced through that and I awoke with a knowingness, a belief not just in, but ABOUT myself that I have not fully expreienced before. Instead of fearing I will repeat my parents trauma, neurotically so-"Will I traumatize them, am I doing this wrong, did I do that too much, did I say that too much, If I do this will they feel abandoned..." I have been carrying the shame of my parents and it has masqueraded as my own voice. It is not. I am vicariously reraising myself through my boys. And I am what I and My husband tell them they are, strong, radiant, capable of anything, kind, self aware. I am believing on a deep level the very love I give to them, I believe it about ME. A dream come true indeed.

Strawberry Epiphany

2008-07-04T08:30:00.000-07:00

when they sleep, it's like hearing a piano play melodic velvet notes.
it's as if soft moss is tracing it's way over your skin.
or like a drink of the coldest water at your thirstiest.
seeing them eat strawberries and that sight becomes art,
becomes an epiphany,
a swan song.
see them gaze at the redness of it,
this makes strawberries suddenly holy.
holy is the sacred,
many people claim to know the way,
many of them men.
but men, stop your ego from talking,
sit by my side for a moment in time
watch a child of golden hair,
breathe up,breathe down,
eat a strawberry in ecstasy,
look at you
and
with that very look,
tug upon that never gone umbilical cord threading you
mothersonmotherson
together forever.
sit and see,
see the way of
children,
for they are what holy is.

Calling all women in the Littleton area!

2008-06-12T10:11:00.000-07:00

GFB Rock! If you live in the CO area, get your butt out to this seminar. Do it!

What: Attend a free, live seminar of the Girls Fight Back program in Denver, Colorado. This 90-minute seminar will be taped at Comcast Studios, and we are looking for 100 women to be our live studio audience. Learn how to stay safe, trust your intuition, and of course… kick some booty! (Note: This is an introductory seminar, not a full-blown self-defense class. No need to wear any special clothing, as you will only be watching demos from your seat.)

Who: The Founder of GFB, Erin Weed, will be presenting. We're looking for 100 women and girls, over the age of 12, to be our lovely audience.

When: Tuesday June 17, 2008 from 4 - 6:30 pm. We are on a strict schedule for the shoot, so please arrive at 4pm sharp! All attendees will go through security and sign a waiver giving our cameras permission to catch you on film. There will be musical entertainment for your enjoyment before the seminar starts. Live shoot begins at 5 pm.

Where: Comcast Studios in Denver. The exact address is below. When you arrive, park in the lot and enter through the main entrance of the building. Look for the blue and green balloons!

Comcast Media Center
4100 E Dry Creek Road
Littleton, CO 80122
Map & Directions

Why: Be a part of the first-ever live Girls Fight Back shoot! Also learn how to fight back against violence, and get a free book and t-shirt as our way of saying thank you for attending.

RSVP: We need 100 women to come pack the Comcast studio full of energy, so invite your friends, family, co-workers and make it a girls night out! Please sign up as soon as possible, as we need to make sure all 100 chairs are filled. Once you RSVP, we are holding your seat and counting on your smiling face to be there. So please, no cancellations.

To RSVP, contact Ashley Bruce at 303-379-3037 or
via e-mail at abruce@girlsfightback.org.

If you haven't heard of Girls Fight Back…
GFB was born in 2001 in response to the murder of 21-year-old Shannon McNamara at Eastern Illinois University. Shannon's friend and Alpha Phi sorority sister, Erin Weed, started Girls Fight Back as a means to make empowering safety education accessible to women around the globe. Through live seminars at high schools, colleges and corporations we reach over 100,000 women per year with our message that fighting like a girl is actually a very good thing!

www.girlsfightback.org

A message from Mike: Calling all male survivors!

2008-05-30T09:03:00.000-07:00

Here is the flyer for our 18th annual male survivor weekend at Kirkridge.
If you want a more distant adventure (or know someone who might) you can get information about this summer's workshops in Switzerland on our Web site: www.nextstepcounseling.org

All the best,
Mike

KIRKRIDGE
RETREAT AND STUDY CENTER
Leaping Upon the Mountains:
A Men's Abuse Recovery Weekend
MIKE LEW AND THOM HARRIGAN
Aug 15-17
7:00 Fri dinner through Sun lunch
Cost $380 ($190 deposit)
This weekend workshop is for non-offending adult males survivors of sexual child abuse, rape, physical violence, emotional abuse and/or neglect. Our goal is to offer a safe, encouraging environment of healing. The weekend will provide a variety of healing activities, including the sharing of stories, writing exercises, anger work and other emotional expressions, small group discussion, relaxation and yes, even fun.

This event is for men who are actively engaged in recovery work; it is not a substitute for therapy. A letter or recommendation from a therapist must accompany the registration
form/deposit. The registration deadline for this event is Aug 1.

Led by Mike Lew, and Thom Harrigan of the Next Step Counseling in Brookline MA.
Mike is the author of Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse.
Thom leads groups for male survivors and has worked extensively in this ﬁeld.
For more information see: www.nextstepcounseling.org

For registration forms, contact KIRKRIDGE RETREAT AND STUDY CENTER
2495 Fox Gap Road, Bangor, PA 18013-6028, 610-588-1793 . Fax: 610-588-8510
or go to www.kirkridge.org

Visit our Web Site at:
http://www.nextstepcounseling.org

Awakenings

2008-05-16T08:43:00.001-07:00

I have been doing much blossoming lately. I thought I would share some of what I have been partaking in and as always, use what moves you, discard the rest.

Tips on Soulful Living:

Running, I know not all of us are runners in this great big world, but it does something to me I can barely describe. I have been getting up at 6 a.m. and running 4 miles. I get to hear the birdsong, feel the cool sunrise breeze, and smell the honeysuckle, roses, wisteria, and other flowers that sit reaching for the same sky I run under. I marvel. I just marvel at life, the same force that runs through me and helps me run pulses through those flowers and birds.

I have always been drawn toward healthy foods, lately I am sure to get my 5 pieces of fruit or veggies a day. I see it as not what I am taking out of my diet, but what I can add. It leaves little room for anything else! Organic raw trail mix, lots of oranges, tilapia baked in lemon, whole grain cereals and breads, spirulina, and some amazing vitamins. I take Rainbow Light vitamins. Here is a link to the website. They make a huge difference in how I feel and how I feel about myself.

Now, I have the privilege of being able to shop 100% organic, we personally love Whole Foods Market, Trader Joe's, and the farmer's markets. If money is an issue for how you are feeding your body, even Wal-Mart has affordable organics. Target as well. Do what you can and feel good about it. Keep visualizing your life and health as you want it to look like.

Take a class. Any class. My husband and I are starting Latin dance classes. I am slated to begin a yoga class after years of home practice. Swim, swimming is very healing and amniotic. And dance, in your living room. My kids love this about me, we just crank up Bettye LaVette's Joy, or Gnarls Barkley or the Beastie Boys and we dance!

The three necessities of the heart soul and mind in my opinion are music, nature and animals. Survivors can feel amazing unconditional love, sometimes for the first time ever-as I did as a child into my adulthood with my horses-because of an animal. We as humans really need to look at the dogs. Man, they have that love thing down pat. :)

Savor the magical moments. A little story: The other day, it was raining. My big front window looks out inot the treetops. I turned to look at what was so sparkly in the corner of my eye and saw the sun setting in the trees-the leaves dripping with raindrops as the sun danced and made tiny diamonds appear. It was gorgeous. I called for the kids and we watched this for a few minutes until the sun set. I took some pics which I have posted here. Amazed, the kids and I then talked about what this sight did to our hearts and souls.

Talk to you kids about things like reverence, wonder, joy, ask them to tell you how things make them feel not just in their heads, but in their bodies. Chakras are a great thing to teach children. They need to see themselves and feel themselves as spirit first, I believe. This is what I am teaching my kids. They say things like,"That makes my heart smile." They get it. After all, it is already in them just as it is in us when we are born...all of the beauty and wonder exists within.

We have always made it a point to instill in our kids how much Mama and Daddy love each other. This visibly fills them with a deep peace. One can see it happen. I believe this is so essential for the peace and happiness of a child-and how often it goes untouched as a way of being in a family. We write poetry for one another and the kids see it, they read it sometimes, they are surrounded by the symbolism of love.

Great books:

A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle inspired the synchronicity that led to this blog as many of you know. The Power of Now is amazing as well.

MALESURVIVOR'S 21ST WEEKEND OF RECOVERY

2008-04-30T11:47:00.000-07:00

SPACES AND SCHOLARSHIPS STILL AVAILABLE!

ATLANTA WEEKEND OF RECOVERY-LEVEL I
Male Survivor has a great scenic facility to host us (The Center for New Beginnings in Dahlonega, GA, one hour north of Atlanta), and NOW they need more participants to take advantage of this great opportunity for healing! If you are a male survivor of sexual abuse, provide services to male survivors, or are a partner or ally of male survivors, please help us spread the word now about this retreat. Registration will remain open until May 14th, so there is still time to register.

Scholarship help is also available!

This is the last Level I Weekend of Recovery until October, so if you're ready to take this step in your recovery, please join in!

For more information, please go online by clicking this link: http://www.malesurvivor.org/weekends/2008/dahlonega.html

Thanks for helping us spread the word!

YOU ARE INVITED TO A FREE TELESEMINAR WITH AUTHOR & ADVOCATE LYNN C. TOLSON

2008-04-18T08:28:00.000-07:00

Our friend and fellow Advocate, Lynn Tolson is hosting a teleseminar that is open to the public. Please feel free to join the discussion and forward on to those who may be interested. Thanks to Lynn for her continued hard work! Details are as follows:

YOU ARE INVITED TO A FREE TELESEMINAR WITH AUTHOR & ADVOCATE LYNN C. TOLSON

The National Association of Baby Boomer Women is the #1 site for baby boomer women on major search engines, as mentioned in Time and AARP magazine.

The NABBW http://www. NABBW. com is proud to sponsor a
FREE TELESEMINAR called

Sexual Assault: A Silent Epidemic with Tragic Consequences

April 28, 2008 at 7:00 p.m (EST)

The teleseminar will by led by Lynn C. Tolson, BSW, author of the memoir, "Beyond the Tears: A True Survivors Story" and founder of The Project for TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide. http://www. beyondthetears. com

Using her personal experience and professional knowledge, Tolson offers a message of hope and healing, as well as an understanding of silent issues related to sexual abuse that cause individual suffering and plague our society.

Join us for this FREE Teleseminar by using the "call-in" information below:

Telephone Number: 1 (712) 580-7706
Conference Code: 1039049

In this teleseminar, you will learn the definition of sexual assault, its prevalence in our society, and how you can help or be helped. Other subjects covered will be:

¸ What are the myths about rape?
¸ What are the facts about rape?
¸ What do power & control have to do with sex abuse?
¸ What signs do the sexually abused exhibit?
¸ What are the symptoms of depression?
¸ What is the correlation between sexual assault & suicide attempts?
¸ What are the risk factors for suicide?
¸ Why are these silent social problems?
¸ How do we support the survivor?
¸ What resources are available?

Domestic violence victims to get same-day help

2008-04-18T08:26:00.000-07:00

Apr 17, 2008 03:38 PM
THE CANADIAN PRESS

Victims of domestic violence in Ontario will get same-day support to help them and their children escape abusive spouses under a new program funded by the province, Attorney General Chris Bentley said today.

The government is spending $1.7 million to have victims contacted within 24 hours of being informed that charges have been laid, which Bentley said will grant them access to the services they need more quickly.

"The very clear message is that if you call, you will be supported," he said in announcing an additional $8.2 million in funding for programs to help victims of domestic abuse.

"If you call, you'll get access to those supports within 24 hours. If you call, we're there. We're collectively there to help."

http://www.thestar.com/News/Ontario/article/415606

To Be or Not to Be

2008-04-16T10:10:00.000-07:00

There has been a lot of posting and blogging about Herschel Walker and his interview on Nightline Monday night. Some people with DID and some professionals in the field are unsure if his diagnosis was accurate or if he may just be on the dissociative spectrum. While I appreciate the discussion this issue has caused, without reading his full book and examining his therapy records, there is no way for any of us to make the decision nor is it really our responsibility.

What is our responsibility as advocates for people with dissociative identities is to take advantage of the attention he is bringing to this disorder and use it as a time to educate. He is making people think about DID and what it is and what it isn’t. I encourage you to use this opportunity to direct people to the appropriate websites and provide the resources where they can get accurate information. Please visit our official website if you are need of information as well as additional resources at An Infinite Mind

-Jaime P
An Infinite Mind

Scarleteen

2008-04-08T11:03:00.000-07:00

This month's Scarleteen features a special focus on rape and abuse. You'll find a number of well-written articles for teens, parents, educators and loved ones.

Scarleteen is an excellent source of articles for young people aged 14-24 and their mission is one that we support. Teach teenagers about sex, including issues of abuse.

Check them out here: http://www.scarleteen.com/

When you're finished, send them a quick note thanking them for their awesome work and letting them know about (Wo)Men Speak Out. Suggest that they do an article on WSO and tell them why it's important to you. Let your voice be heard! You're story is important and we want others to know that they are not alone.

Conscious Talk Radio: WSO

2008-03-27T10:59:00.000-07:00

May 22nd @ 7:30 am

WSO will appear on Conscious Talk, one of this country’s most informative and compelling alternative talk radio programs – pioneering a shift in consciousness – empowering individuals to become conscious consumers and a positive force in their own lives through subjects and interviews in areas as diverse as politics, money and alternative health. It’s "radio that makes a difference".

How am I going to get THERE?

2008-03-16T19:38:00.001-07:00

Recently there was a warm weekend in Ohio and we took the opportunity to go to the Red River Gorge for a hike. Shortly after we set out, my hiking partner pointed out the destination - Double Arch. (Shown in the picture.) Although I kept my thoughts to myself, I clearly could not imagine how we were going to get all the way across the valley and climb back up to our destination.

As you can imagine, the initial hike was down hill and very easy, but the nagging question of how I was ever going to get to where I wanted to be created hesitation. Every step down committed me to another step up. This clearly reminded me of my journey through healing. I remember meeting some wonderful people who had also been abuse and were wonderfully happy and healthy. They had a great attitude toward life. They were realistic about their past and had a clear vision for their future. That became my destination. I wanted to be like them - Survivors! Thrivors!

Once I had declared my goal, I set out on the path. The first few steps were fairly easy, but as I moved forward into the valley of my memories, I realized I had started a journey that was going to take a lot of effort to complete. Like my recent hike, once you hike half way down the path, into the valley, you have no choice but to keep going, back up. You simply cannot just stop in the valley and not go any further.

The other parallel I noticed on my hike is that for most of the journey I could not see my desired destination. When I was at the lowest part of my hike, I would look up and not be able to see where I was going. There were so many trees in the way. Then on the hike up - straight up - I knew I was getting closer, but had no idea how the path I was on was going to get me to my destination. It just didn't make since. Perhaps the amount of effort was clouding my vision, but all I knew is that I was working really hard and had no idea when I was going to get there or if I would be able to appreciate it when I did.

Well, I made it and it was GREAT. Double Arch, and Survivorship, is such an incredible place to experience and the view (perspective) was so different from any other I had seen. Although I had been here many times, I saw new and beautiful vistas. It is such a great place to be and so worth the hike.

Please get on the path, take the hike, don't stop, work your butt off and get to the summit. Surviving and Thriving is worth the journey. Trust me.

Horses and Healing

2008-03-13T11:48:00.000-07:00

An interesting idea put to work: Horse Whispering Violence Prevention Fund

WSO was contacted by Bob Allen is the Founder, President, of HWVPF and wanted to share their program with you. The purpose of Horse Whispering Experiential Horse Camps is to cultivate the positive influences horses have on children through violence prevention education. We provide, promote, educate, and create opportunities for the individuals and groups to learn from horses in a safe non-competitive environment.

For more information, visit: http://www.horsewhisperingviolencepreventionfund.org/

Thanks for getting in touch with us Bob and thanks for all that you do!

Call To Action

2008-03-11T13:22:00.000-07:00

In the past few weeks, we have received quite a few emails from people sharing their comments and suggestions as to how to gain more attention to WSO as an organization and the issues and community that is represented in what we do.

We believe that everything happens for a reason and that we have an opportunity now to further our reach within our respective communities by focusing on what we CAN do right now, to promote WSO and create a positive effect in our own lives, as survivors and the lives of those around us as advocates, professionals, loved ones and active citizens.

As survivors, we are severely underrepresented.

The statistics that exist far underestimate the amount of abuse that takes place on a daily basis and are based solely on those who are able to come forward and report their abuse. But what of those who are unable to come forward, for whatever reason, aren't added to the equation. We all know someone who has been a victim of violence. It's indisputable, infuriating and on-going.

In an effort to bring more attention to the issue of rape, sexual assault and gender violence, we believe we must be on the doorsteps of those who will listen; to speak to a larger community with the focus of not only educating but providing solutions to the problem. That means, getting on the radio shows, in the magazines, on the news, speaking at colleges, universities and high schools, holding events and reaching as many people as possible, on-going. We are here to do just that, but we can't do it alone.

So, we are presenting a CALL TO ACTION. We are asking that you, as a partner in our message, contact your local outlets and let them know about WSO.

Forward them your message with a link so that they can hear the stories, see the true numbers and back that up, by inviting WSO into their community. We aren't asking for people to take on the world, we are asking people to take action and this starts with you....

Email your local talk-format radio and local newspapers and magazine today.

Be the change.

14 Americans arrested in child porn sting

2008-03-05T05:48:00.001-08:00

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Fourteen Americans are in custody as part of a global crackdown on a well-organized child porn ring that used sophisticated encryption technology, the FBI and Justice Department announced Tuesday.

CNN dot com

The Melon

2008-03-04T20:39:00.000-08:00

Chris and myself had an awesome time today at KUPS 90.1 FM Tacoma. Our host, Elliot was stellar and really made us feel comfortable, in studio.

The broadcast will play this coming Saturday, 12-2pm. We are scheduled for the second hour. For those listening in the Tacoma area, you can tune in. Otherwise, the show will be online on Sunday here: http://www.themelononline.com/radio.html

It's always great to acknowledge those who are doing their part in bringing anti-violence initiatives to the community. Feel free to email Elliot and Peter at melonradio@gmail.com

Spring Ren·ais·sance

2008-03-04T09:27:00.000-08:00

Evergreen Jewels
Blossoming in Pink
Sheer Beauty

Spring comes to us for a purpose. We can choose to embrace her and propagate some serious growth. Ren·ais·sance, a renewal of life, vigor, interest, Ren·ais·sance, say it with me now!
One of the creative artsy modalities I use for healing is photography. I have taken pictures of abandoned buildings to demonstrate my feelings about abandonment, and to represent the horror of being raped in a motel. I take pictures-plethoras of pictures documenting my life, moods, my children's lives, my art, nature, our animals.
Ren·ais·sance originally means the activity, spirit, or time of the great revival of art, literature, and learning in Europe beginning in the 14th century and extending to the 17th century, marking the transition from the medieval to the modern world.
Renaissance, lit. "rebirth," usually in a spiritual sense, from renaître "be born again". An earlier term for it was revival of learning. My drift is to take this word and it's meaning and make it malleable to your own spirit. What do you hope to create this spring? What garden will you cultivate? This means inside yourself, and outside in your outer world. We can always be born again! It is so true. The earth does it all the time. We are made of her, and we can do it to. Just set your intention to grow, and you be open to the newness of spring.
In the spirit of nouveau inspiration, of rebirth, of metamorphosis, let's take more pictures that we see meaning and feeling in. Keep a scrapbook of your pictures. Choose any theme you wish or none at all. Just intend to create visually a tangible way of seeing your inner world. I think to myself, "I feel -----". I then take a picture of something. Viola. You can give visual, give image to your inner world. The idea is to express what is inside of you, no matter what it is, and move it out of you in some kind of creative form. This is your art. This is how we can make our life an art. You are an artist in your own life.
My intention right now is to Breathe in spring, feel the energy of renewal, reawakening, rebirth, resurrection. Watch as the birds flit around gleefully, their long awaited reemergence into air. This is all healing, nature and art are elixirs for the soul. My porch is a sacred space. Out there I have beautiful copper wind chimes with colorful jewels that catch the sun's rays, the light flinging itself into my dining room daily. I have plants, a bonsai tree, sculptures, bird feeders, and soon a cozy rug. Deep orange gossamer curtains hang in front of the French doors leading to the porch. It is very important to create intentionally, space from which to exist. This is where we live, we can make it beautiful and sacred. We must make it so. Sometimes we can learn to care for ourselves inside by acting as if and demonstrating to ourselves how to do it outwardly, starting the home we occupy. I leaned some of my self care and self regard this way. I choose to occupy my lifespace a certain way, with sacred intention.

My entire home is a scared space actually. I have created this with my family over the last 8 years. Only things that engender a soul quickening get in my door! I do not allow clutter in my home. For me, life is always moving, therefore I am always polishing, tidying, letting the chi flow through my home, doing laundry with gratitude for the little bodies that wear the clothes. I am always going through things, so that clutter has no time to form. Clutter is a symbol of emotional cobwebs, and we have a choice about how we approach that. Our outer world can align with the inner world, and vice versa. What is within is reflected outside of us in our environment. Thus take pictures, and if you feel unsure of how you feel internally, pictures will help you see your internal state. And, it's fun!! Spring births life anew, and we follow her heARTful, blooming example.
It is a wonderful time to begin taking care of your physical self through motion if you do not. Pain gets stuck in our body. We have these little emotional crevices which get filled with pain. You gotta get moving to spill those pockets of stored up stuff. I set my intention to release, relax, and revitalize. It works. I run, lift weights, practice yoga, and do copious amounts of stretching. Walk your dog to start. Put on Fergie and dance. Chase your kids. Play hide and seek with your partner. Make love. make some more love! Jump rope. Skip to your local cafe. Walk to the grocery. Pick up litter. Go on a hike. Do something, and do it often. I feel triumphant after a good long workout. Most importantly, PRAISE YOURSELF when you do something heal-thy. If you are doing inner child work, buy stickers and give yourself one as a reward to chart your progress. Make a list of rewards you wish your mom and dad had given you for your accomplishments, and give them to yourself as you do even the smallest things well. Write yourself a letter that you wish your mother had written you. Mine have said things like, "You are beautiful. You can do anything. Let's go shopping for that prom dress. It is safe to be a girl. I will protect you. I love you so much. You inspire me. You were the most gorgeous baby I ever saw. When you were little, you were so magical. You are so smart. You are funny. Being a mother to you, staying home with you, was never a sacrifice, because I got so much out of it too, who wouldn't want to watch you, Sarah, blossom? I would never leave you. " Give this to yourself.
Music, choose some new music, listen deep. Find a new rhythm in life. This is part of rebirthing the self, our own personal renaissance. So, take pictures to externalize your personal experience, for me this is particularly of beauty and gratitude.
Above are a few pictures that exteriorize my interior state as of today.
Listening to:
Dave Matthews Live, When the World Ends
("When the world ends, you and me will just be beginning..."),
Warpaint, by The Black Crowes(check out the rockin Evergreen), Jack Johnson Sleep Through the Static, Thievery Corporation mixes.
Scent therapy: ylang ylang, for sensuality(goes very well with my music du jour) and revitalization
Namaste and Love to all!

WSO & Angela Rakis

2008-02-16T12:34:00.000-08:00

Chris & myself got the chance to meet up with dear friend and fellow advocate, Angela Rakis while she was visiting Seattle. Angela is an awesome voice in the field of education and outreach and we are so psyched to have her on our team of contributors and WSO supporters. Stick around for more Angela insight in the coming months.

Man gets 365 years for raping children

2008-02-06T10:51:00.000-08:00

His basement was decorated like a children's playground, and his two-story home was available for sleepovers. Richard Enyart became a serial rapist under the noses of unsuspecting parents he had befriended. Click here to read more

How Did I Get Here?

2008-01-14T17:22:00.000-08:00

This is an article I wrote for divinecaroline.com. It's another draft of one already on there and also a compilation of a couple of my articles I have previously written. But I thought I would share!

How Did I Get Here?

“Can you believe we are here, honey?“, I say sitting in a stream of dappled light. My husband and I love cafes. We are certifiably addicted to mochas. Every weekend we leave our two children with their grandmother, who bless her dear heart, gleefully keeps them for us overnight. This means we get to date again! We especially look forward to our java runs in the morning after a lovely night of...well, you know. Our favorite place lately has an atmospheric vibe that I love. There are paintings on the walls featuring Eric Clapton, Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald, and Duke Ellington. We sit and sip, we muse and talk, we bond and eat. These are the moments that conspire to infuse me with enormous bliss. I feel indelible gratitude for my life, for our life together. I often find myself asking rhetorically and knowingly, "How Did I Get Here?". Born into fear, chaos, pain, and emotional annihilation, the proverbial phoenix has risen, baby.

For one thing, I know I wanted to face the truth from a young age. It was a craving. I had an inborn razor sharp drive to see reality. I was smart enough to keep this to myself mostly, thank you, as I had to keep myself alive until I could make the great escape. I can not attribute this to anything other than my innate nature. I just did. I do not question this, I just say Thank You, Universe. I fought tooth and nail to get into therapy at 14. I threatened, coerced, I begged, I yearned. I believe that this is not always the case, some folks turn toward repression, denial, and thus the proverbial head-in-the-sand result.

I don't know why some mothers lack that, besides of course their own pain, unresolved and unprocessed, of which they are so unconscious. I do not know the answer to why my father raped me, why he could never provide for me, why he insisted upon neglecting me, emotionally manipulating me, and being outright cruel and sadistic toward me. I’m not about to make excuses for either of them. Unresolved trauma, an inability to even see that they were abused is part of an answer to our questions, like, what was she thinking? How could she? Why did he punch me for no reason? As if there is ever a “reason”. Why did he call me an “idiot”, a “bitch”, a “whore”. What seven year old is a whore, anyway? I digress. So in my case, the same can be said of my father, though he did not physically abandon me until later.

I’m not saying parenting is not hard. No one is saying that. Of course mistakes will be made. That’s not the point. It is hard, parenting. Selflessness, shaping life around another's want and need is not always a breezy walk on the beach. Especially when we have unhealed wounds, of which I had many. My parents lacked the capacity for reflection that is essential to facing unhealed trauma. It has been hard for me to swallow that, for instance, my mother, having been abandoned herself, more than once, could possibly inflict this on me. Had she not felt her own pain? Where is the empathy?

When actively healing, it is hard too. I had some very hard days as a young mama. But never did I walk out on my children. I was speaking with another fellow advocate recently, who said to me, "You do not give up, parents who abandon their kids take the easy way out." My therapist explained to me that abandonment of a child is "total annihilation." Perfect description. Infuriating as it is, essentially, they are the ones missing out. They miss the magic and wonder and challenge which propagates such soulful growth. We miss out too, yes. But in taking stock, do we really want to be raised by such selfish people, or do we want them to be different people all together? Unselfish (they are not), loving and attentive to us, stable, responsible, healthy boundaries, caring, empathetic, attentive to us. I do not remember my mother ever telling me I was pretty when I was little, despite my best attempts on the rare occasions I saw her, to illicit this from her. She was totally self absorbed. I never felt seen.
The child within wants a mom, period! Or a dad who did not molest or rape or beat them. As the adult we know we can not reconcile the wish parent with the real one, they are not the same. My good girlfriend and I call these parents "biological birth vehicles." They got you here, and whether you can see it right now, you are here for a reason. I am glad you are here! All of the pain and suffering and betrayal will not be in vain if you decide as such. When you choose to heal, you begin to see how beautiful, valuable, sweet, innocent, and worthy of all the doting in the world you were (and are), how worthy of wholeness and love you are, how worthy of. safety and protection you were as a child. The next logical question is what happened? As we heal, our light illuminates the darkness of the pain that was placed on us, so some would rather sit in the dark.. We begin, with our own soul light to see the reality of our wonder and worth which begs the question, What is wrong with people? How can a mother/father do -(insert proper issue, abandon, molest, drug, rape, ignore, slap, manipulate, pick one, or more than one.)

Many people would rather make excuses for parents, because we do not have easy answers to this and it is so hard, scary and downright overwhelming to confront such a huge issue.. The question itself is so painful. In the end, it really is not our job to attempt to heal previous generations. Our job is to focus on healing ourselves and raising a healthy future generation. If you choose the darkness either by chosen silence, minimizing your pain, excusing parents who have abused, neglected, beaten, emotionally raped, sexually abused, dismissed your needs, or abandoned you, you do so at the cost of your soul. Living that way is to enslave yourself. You will get sick, you will be depressed, you will suffer. It goes against the divine order of things as we are all meant to shine.

Suggestions: Educate yourself, discern what you wanted, then and now, and what you deserve and deserved. Then give as much of it to yourself as possible, and give it to your child. Surround yourself with the energy of soulful mothering/fathering. My husband grew up never knowing his father, and he is truly an incredible, connected, emotionally available, sensitive father. It is hard but it can be done!

One amazing miracle of giving someone else what you did not get, is that in a vicarious way, you get it too. The most amazing part is that we are capable of doing this in the first place. Think of a world in which no one could turn it around. Jesus. No one would ever heal. I remember journaling about a vision of the kind of family we wanted to create. One of my entries which I wrote when carrying my second born, went like this:

"We travel, drink organic coffee from artsy mugs as we drive, we listen to groovy music like French bistro classics, Led Zeppelin, Tori, Sade. We roll the windows down and tell the children to feel that warm sun, we soak it in, we have the energy of love and passion all around us, we stop on the way to our destination, lay down a cotton blanket, and have a picnic of organic strawberries, homemade pasta salad, muffins and subs. We affirm the children's reality and sense of themselves each day, we tell them they are beautiful, smart, loved, loving, and lovable. We mirror back to them their worth. We dance in the sun and then get back in the car and keep going. At home, our children have organic fruit for breakfast, we feed them so well and ourselves, we wake up grateful for each day, turn on Sting or Buddy Guy, and light incense. Dylan rests peacefully in my arms with tiny blue socks on his feet. Our home smells of ylang ylang. The windows are open and a warm summer breeze blows in. Dylan sees the clouds and laughs for the first time and we rejoice. (This actually happened, he laughed for the first time under the sky) We sit outside under a sycamore tree and talk and laugh. There are many hugs, kisses, I love yous, and just nourishing love! They see Daddy loving Mommy and Mommy loving Daddy. They see Daddy and Mommy working out problems in a respectful way. Daddy and Mommy are so in love. They see and feel this everyday."

How powerful it can be.....to place that wish in your palm and blow it back out to the universe.
In knowing what you wanted,
deep within that means you have the ability to give it to your children and to yourself.
With my own kids, my mantra for this is: Be What You Wanted. Be What You Deserved.

It works, it just takes time, practice and patience. Eventually the rage and grief of the child dissolves and gives way to an understanding that these parents could barely care for themselves(some still can not) let alone you, and most have immense amounts of unhealed, unaddressed pain that they are very unaware of in themselves. In other words, it is not your fault now, nor was it then. Just because your light and worth went unacknowledged and in some cases purposefully so, does not mean it was never there. Breathe in the light that you are, exhale that light and send it into the world. Nothing is worth the sacrifice of your soul light. And anyone who would ask you to do that is not loving you well. Mantra and Meditation: Good Love Does Not Hurt. The confrontation and assessing parental legacies of trauma is intense. The cost of snuffing your own light is immeasurable, even deadly. (think addiction, suicide, depression, self mutilation, abusive relationships, self hate, domestic violence)
It took me moving away from home to be able to stand up and see a new reality. The paradox for me is that in leaving home, I found out how I arrived, how I got here. I began to stop taking out the abuse on myself when I choose to accept my own goodness. I saw my light again.

We can shine that light outward into the world. Please shine. This year, I joyfully keep healing, light, and love in my life, I invite miracles and nurture peace, and I pledge to enjoy many blessings. And mochas.

Warrior Mothering

2008-01-06T15:59:00.000-08:00

I am on a healing path. I am a mother, and I will put that first. I brought my three year old to Starbuck’s the other day for our “dates.” We go and have coffee, well, I have coffee and he asks for chocolate milk and the biggest cookie there is. We sit and hang out, we talk about colors, Star Wars, the merits of bigger cookies. When I was three I was afraid to walk through our den because I felt embarrassed that my Dad would have a porno on. My child lives in a world that may as well be in another galaxy. I can’t help thinking this as he mows through his cookie. He walks through our living room, same age, same innocence, same vulnerability, and his worst night mare is broccoli, two nights in a row. “No Bock-EEE!” The contrast is sharp, I see me walking averting my eyes from my father’s perversions and thus learning I have better just avert myself from my rights as a child, and Dylan walks in on the kingpin of all his misery, the green monster known as broccoli. It’s so stark in comparison it’s just about existential. I giggle at the images. I giggle because he is so gorgeous and free, and because he reminds me of who I was, gorgeous but not free. His intense stare awakens the feeling of the wildest freedom in my chest. It’s like he tells me with his green blue stare, YOU ARE FREE, like me, Mama.
I am free, now. In a café, getting him milk, drinking coffee, wiping his sweet mouth thinking of the amazing things that will come from them, the big words, the knock knock jokes already emerging. I feel pride in taking tender care of this delicate flower that is my child, checking with him to be sure he is comfortable, does he need to potty, does he know he is seen, not only seen, but heard, and that he is visible on a soul level? Doe she know I truly SEE him for the gift he is? I practice folding him into me, like a seedling in the garden of his mother, pressing firmly, covering, softly watering, I think of how I could never leave him. I think of his face frozen to the window, his marrow aching with a savage hot grief. His body wracked with searing pain, a child ripped from his mother by the mother herself.
Not this child, and not this mother. I see you, Dylan, I see INTO you, around you, I FEEL you, all over, You are so seen, so loved, so known, so precious. I SEE you, you exist to me, you are beautiful, free, and never, never, never invisible, especially the essence of you. Small innocent hands, vanilla skin, wispy blonde hair, blue oceanic eyes, open heart. Your laugh, your tenacity in expressing yourself, anger, joy, love.
So is my other child.
And the ones inside me too.
We are coming out of the dark, into the light.....love to all. SES

Supreme Court to rule on death penalty for child rape.

2008-01-04T22:32:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The Supreme Court said on Friday it would decide whether the death penalty can be imposed for the crime of raping a child, expanding its review of how capital punishment is carried out in the United States. Read more HERE

Finding The Book

2008-01-04T14:42:00.000-08:00

It's safe to say that I have always had a harder time of it in the winter. In Seattle, it is relentless. Day after day of rain and gray skies. I log onto a weather website each weekday hoping to see that bright orange sun icon hovering over the ensuing weekend days. I haven't seen that sun in what seems like too long.

The weather has an effect on mood. I can feel it. I just might have a mild case of seasonal affective disorder. Just mild enough to put my mood on simmer. I'm willing to put up with it if it means living in Seattle. The mountains are so close to the city and there are four great seasons.

In the back of my mind is a discussion I will soon be having with a close family member and friend, about my abuse. He doesn't know the details, and it's the details that will forever change his world not unlike the way they have changed mine. We will soon talk. In a week or two, and I feel it will be the right time to tell him. There is no right time I guess. More accurately I would say that I feel 'compelled' to tell him.

I trust him, even though he loves and admires my abuser. My instinct tells me that he will be responsible with the pain that I share with him and he will be as respectful as he can be. But I don't know what to expect really.

I made it through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years, not without difficulty. I have a beautiful wife who cares about me, it can be hard to be a scrooge. I think I have always felt my worst during this time of year. If I get sick it's usually in December. If I get depressed, it's usually in December. My body has it's own clock and it knows December well. Having said that, I think I had more fun than I have in quite a while.

We had a Christmas party (social gathering! What is that?!). I spent Christmas at the families house and we all pitched in to cook dinner. That may be the first time that's happened and I enjoyed it immensely. I think next year I will propose we take less advantage of my mother's cooking prowess again and make it a team effort. Though I think we will leave it up to mom to figure out the gravy situation. It wasn't pretty!

So what does all this have to do with a book? It's no ordinary book. In fact, it has been out of print for quite some years, despite it's popularity in certain circles. I ran over to the bookstore on the strip, hoping to find a copy of it. Alas, none to speak of. So I checked Amazon. "This book is currently out-of-print and unavailable at this time." I finally found an online seller with one copy! The book was in 'average' condition and they wanted $70 for it!

The contents of my wallet include two dimes, a penny, and a credit card a few bucks from being maxed out.

So I don't have the book. You are probably running at a threads-width of patience to know what makes this book so damn special. It was written in the 70's by two well known adventurers. It contains 50 of the greatest adventures you could think of, all in North America. I have only been on ONE of the 50, but it was the best ONE adventure that I have been on in nearly all of my life.

So i'm trusting the author on the other 49. I decided two days ago that my NEXT GREAT ADVENTURE would be to do all 50. I was so excited that I sat down at my computer and pulled up the calculator program. I am 33 years old now. I calculated that if I did 4 of these adventures a year, I would be finished by the age of 46.

It would take me 12.5 years to accomplish EVERY adventure. I have never been a consistent fellow, so this would take all the persistence and will I could muster to keep to this mission.

These are difficult adventures too. No walks in the park by any measure. I don't even have the skill level to accomplish some of them, yet. I will need to train. I will need to get into the best condition of my life to complete most of them.

I don't even know if I can call this mission of my a 'resolution'. I wasn't even thinking about New Years when it struck me. I just wanted to set a bar for myself. I thought that I want to do something that get's my heart rate up, something that invokes an internal HOLY SHIT! I AM GOING TO DO THAT?!

50 adventures. One at a time. Starting now.

It's a goal, and the path is going to be the best part about it. I want to be able to tell you about the time I "froze my ass off in sub-zero temperature in the snow" or how I "woke up to one of the greatest sunrises ever." I can't even imagine what the next 12.5 year will be like.

We want to be thrivers, that's the goal. As a survivor, it has become very easy to forget the people and things I love. I love my wife. I love our dog. I love my brothers. I love adventure and self-discovery.

It all starts when we are ready. I hope you are ready for your next adventure. If not, you soon will be. Trust me. Even if you can't find the damn book!

Link to WSO

2008-01-02T13:53:00.001-08:00

Copy and paste the below listed code of your choice, to link back to WSO.

Thank you for all that you do!!

A Grateful, Happy 2008!!

2007-12-31T08:57:00.000-08:00

Today's Daily OM:
December 31, 2007
Loving Presence
Surround Yourself With Love

In our everyday life we are surrounded by a variety of people. Some of the people we deal with on a daily basis are a joy to be with, and their loving presence nurtures and encourages us. Others may have the opposite effect, draining us of our energy, making us feel tired and exhausted. Our well-being can be easily influenced by those around us, and if we can keep this in mind, we will have greater insights into the quality of our social interactions and their energetic effect on us.

Once we think more deeply about the people we interact with, it becomes easier for us to work toward filling our lives with people who help us cultivate healthy and positive relationships. Even though it might not always seem like we have much control over who we are with, we do. The power to step back from toxicity lies within us. All we have to do is take a few moments to reflect on how another person makes you feel. Assessing the people we spend the most time with allows us to see if they add something constructive to, or subtract from, our lives. Should a friend sap our strength, for example, we can simply set the intention to tell them how we feel or simply spend less time with them. We will find that the moment we are honest with ourselves about our own feelings, the more candid we can be with others about how they make us feel. While this may involve some drastic changes to our social life it can bring about a personal transformation that will truly empower us, since ! the decision to live our truth will infuse our lives with greater happiness.

When we surround ourselves with positive people, we clear away the negativity that exists around us and create more room to welcome nurturing energy. Doing this not only enriches our lives but also envelopes us in a supportive and healing space that fosters greater growth, understanding, and love of ourselves as well as those we care about.

No matter where you are in your life, on your journey, whether embarking on that single step Lao Tzu speaks of, or heading up the spiral again, praise yourself, make a Gratitude List, and start with YOU. Praise that you have hands to type and a brain to think so that you can be a part of this movement. Be proud of the fact that you survived what happened, that you are breathing, that you are where you are no matter how much further you have to go. Just sit and say thank you. Then list everything else you can think of to be Grateful or. Not just thankful, thankful is one thing, but deeply grateful for, that feeling of vital resonance in the soul. Spend one day focusing on all the good you can see in your world. A glimpse of a flower, sunshine, birdsong, your smile, your heart beat, anything.

I am grateful, joyously grateful, for life herself and all that inhabits her.

Much Love to ALL.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 2008!

Yeehaw!

LOVE S

Resources updated - WSO

2007-12-28T15:13:00.000-08:00

(Wo)Men Speak Out has updated the list of resources on our main page as well as added a resource list specific to mental health.
Please feel free to email us your suggestion or comment on this page for us to review.

Art as Therapy

2007-12-28T10:44:00.000-08:00

The purpose of art therapy is much the same as in any other psychotherapeutic modality: to improve or maintain mental health and emotional well-being. Art therapy generally utilizes drawing, painting, sculpture, photography, and other forms of visual art expression.

As children, drawing and art in general is something that is fun and creative, carefree. As child victims of abuse, many of us were unable to express ourselves honestly out of fear of ridicule or sharing our inner world with those who may harm us. As adult survivors of trauma, we can now reclaim the gift of art to help us work through memories or as a release from the everyday world into a safe place we create for ourselves.

One doesn't have to be an artist to draw. You simply have to be open to whatever comes out and replace negative language with positive, loving and learning as you go. For me, drawing was an a positive outlet as a child. I haven't drawn in years and don't consider myself an artist, but that doesn't mean I can't still draw whenever I want to! The truth is I love to color and will be purchasing a pile of coloring books because I'm starting to love my inner child and giving her the things she asks for that are safe and fun for both of us. In listening to her, I am respecting myself.

Respecting yourself means taking care of yourself. Perhaps drawing can be part of your routine, an outlet for creativity. I would encourage everyone to give it a try. You never know what you may find and who knows,...you just might like it!

Tending the Wound

2007-12-27T15:00:00.001-08:00

For anyone experiencing Holiday Fallout, I wanted to encourage you (and myself )to tend the wound left by the sword if it hurts. My wound was infected for a long time, self abuse through drugs, smoking 2 packs a day, acting out, you name it. When it hurt then I ran to one of those standby behaviors. I just did not know what else to do and my early environment laid that track down for me. Everyone around me acted out sexually, used drugs, had awful self esteem, and the plague of denial which is still in effect to this day. So now, when the wound hurts, even though I am on the healing path, I have to accept that it will hurt from time to time. Which it does. Even my PHYSICAL cesarean scars still twinge and hurt if I push on them a certain way, like doing the rocking horse in yoga, BUT.....

I think mine feels better today because I refuse to pour salt in it by not resting, by yelling at myself in my head about my family of origin (Why can't they change, Why do I not inspire in them the change I want, Why this, why that..), or by being generally critical toward myself. Today I woke up and took the bambinos for a walk. I do not feel like running today. I am going to allow myself to not run.
My intention today was for them to get some fresh air and let them get their ya-yas out, and for me to inhale some of mother nature. Mama Earth is my elixir for all things. I just feel naturally pulled outside when upset, unbalanced, sick, whatever the case may be. I feel so much better after going out with my little ones in the woods. I had dreams about my horses all night, riding them and one was very upset(symbolic), and my Uncle and Aunt made an appearance as well. This is my father's brother and his wife and children. I loved and adored those babies when I was a teenager-the oldest was born when I was 15. In cutting ties, I lost those girls. And my horses. In my dreams I am fighting with Aunt Denial and Uncle Minimizer. I see the oldest girl under some kind of saran wrap. I think I was trying to remove her. My dreams are always taking place on that damn farm. Parts of me feel like they are still there. In the form of my equine counterparts. I woke up feeling like the dream was actually happening, on some level it is, but anyhow, I had to really rein myself in this morning. (That shit is like a vortex sometimes.) Deep breaths, easy on the coffee, good veggies, long walk with beautiful children, lay down and read while the boys play a new game, and allow the feelings to float around while I rearrange my head and plant myself firmly in NOW. When I was a little girl I took such comfort in the woods and in animals. No matter where you live, try to have animals and nature in your life.

Today I am saying more affirmations than usual, drinking Yogi Detox tea with the intention of cleansing my emotional field(my emotional field is full of lavender blossoming, by the way) and when I get that heady feeling or anxiety feeling, I stop what I am doing, lie down, and breathe. Right now my kids are getting ready for their lavender oil sea salt bath. So to decompress from the holidays, do your affirmations, detox with tea and salt baths, set your intention to "heal", and get a healthy dose of nature! This is tending the wound.

Love, SES

D.I.D. Blogs

2007-12-26T16:42:00.000-08:00

Today, I have been doing a lot of research on line to follow up with survivors who inquired to resources for D.I.D.

Connecting with other survivors is so important in healing process as it helps in coming to terms with and flourishing in, what I call, "ones creative processes."

So, to all of our readers and friends who have emailed, let me say "You are not alone!" and there are a lot of very cool, creative and awesome bloggers out there, to share with and learn from.

Below is a list of blogs and sites that I think are good places to start.

Jigsaw Analogy
An Infinite Mind
A Safe Place
Multiple Reflections
John Michael's Blog
Keepers Corner
Beautiful Dreamer
It Takes A Village
Shadow Monsters and Fairy Gifts
D.I.D. Blog
Living with MP
Pilgrim's Journey
Roses On The Moon
My Dissonance
Life Spacings

For all the newbies, welcome! Here's our D.I.D. Youtube video for recap.

Buddhist Magazine Publishes on Retreat Discrimination

2007-12-25T20:21:00.000-08:00

Freedom To Sit: Welcoming People Labeled with Psychiatric Disabilities at Buddhist Retreats
by Will Hall

Turning Wheel: A Journal of Socially Engaged Buddhism, Publication of the Buddhist Peace Fellowship Summer 2007

For complete article, click HERE

Do something: Click HERE

WSO Podcast - Self care and the holidays!

2007-12-23T18:05:00.000-08:00

WSO Podcast - Self care and the holidays!

CLICK HERE for our first podcast. We wanted to test the waters, before the radioshow so we did! Have a listen. Share your thoughts. Let us know what you think!

Ophelia

WSO Advocacy Radio

2007-12-23T16:14:00.000-08:00

What is WSO Advocacy Radio?

(Wo)Men Speak out has been approached by an internet radio broadcaster to start our own WSO radio. As you all know, we have both a video series on youtube (WSOtv) and a Monthly Minizine that touches upon issues of rape, sexual assault and gender violence in the community.

This particular opportunity will be listener based in that we will touch upon issues directly related to what they listeners want to hear. In other words, you have a voice in the content.

The subscription fee for listeners is 99cents per month, to tune into a 24hour loop. We will update the station pod casts weekly and feature musical artists who directly support anti-violence initiatives in their communities.

So, why pay to be able to listen to WSO Advocacy Radio?

- You, the listener have 24 hour access to our podcasts.
- You, the listener have direct input in the content.
- We will feature advice, survivor-experience, guest pod-casts. musical admissions, live broadcasts as well as events, community input and more.
- The radio broadcast is exclusive to subscribers as the numbers are limited.

So, how do I subscribe?
Through paypal!

Pay $11.88 for the entire year.

WSO Radio will begin as soon as we have confirmed the first 50 listeners.

So, please support us.

Place your subscription today for the new year, for yourself or a loved one. Happy Holidays!

I am a Survivor montage

2007-12-20T00:11:00.000-08:00

This was an especially difficult montage to create as it holds many images that are triggering for me. Be forewarned that survivors may be affected by the pictures used in this montage. Despite it's affect, I feel it is important to add these personal pictures and elements to allow the viewer into part of my world. I hope you can appreciate it and take something positive away from it's viewing. Please visit our website for more: www.womenspeakoutnow.com

Holiday Musings from the Psyche of Sarah Elise

2007-12-19T09:17:00.001-08:00

JOY is alive and well in the here and now. The above shot is moi and my husband the delicious human being that he is.

First picture is of me with my youngest son. The second is of me with my first born son, who opened me up in so many ways. Fritz pictured above. My horse. I am unaware of how he is doing these days as I do not speak to the incest family. In the here and now, joy is doing a dance.

Oh boy, here come the holidays...In years past the PTSD would be stirred up like a sandstorm. It gets easier as the years go by, thankfully mainly due to the healing effect of my family, my kids and husband. We have a clean slate with which to begin our nouveau familial style. I love my boys and husband so much. I feel that they inspire me and bless me...not just in the usual ways, but when I feel lost in the past, they bring me to center and keep me going just by being themselves. This is one of the ways motherhood and partnership heals me.

When one of them has a need, or a want, as they do a zillion times a day, I am snapped back into here and now. The here and now, this has been my focus. I tend to criticize myself and tend toward perfectionism in myself that I would never expect of anyone else. Perfectionism is a synonym for masochism, and self sadism. I feel so grateful for my family, and for surviving the trauma of my mother abandoning me, and my father raping me all those years, not just sexually but emotionally and spiritually. When I met my husband, I was in an unhealthy place, still tied to the blood family on my father's side. I was self destructive. The sight of him was like a reflection, and the image was of safety, goodness, love, and family. As the horses once did, Troy reflected my innate goodness back to me and I him. Wow. What a gift.

It was a momentous milestone for me to break away, ignoring the drone of bad advice and misguided emotional "support", telling me to come home and live there and be close. Be close. The incest web. I said no thanks to that and stayed with the man I would marry and become a mother with. It was very hard as the family, as most dysfunctional families do, knew how to manipulate me. I really left home in 99, I just kept going forward, years passing, rising like a phoenix. Very daring for me. The one thing they really had to wield were the horses. I began riding when I was 3. My horses gave me a sanctuary, they loved me unconditionally. They were magical. As I grew my grandmother, my father's mother, was "grooming" (interesting choice of words, huh?)me as she put it, to take over the family business. I elected a very different path and the shit hit the fan. Both my grandmother and grandfather tried making me feel so guilty if I ever desired anything outside of the horses. This was sacrelige! Of course I did desire other things, especially my own interests as most teenagers do, but their guilt worked.

I miss those horses. In 2004 I had to walk away from them, and one special one in particular. I chose my baby, my husband, their lives and mine over the horses. Over the family, over the pull of the incest web. In 2004 I even cut ties with my grandparents for good, filed a rape report against my father, received flowers from Eve Ensler, and began examining my relationship with my mother. The year of emancipation. My breaking away from them and thus the genesis of my breaking the cycles really began years earlier, in my mind. I was digging out of prison, misguided at first, in that I tried escaping through drugs and unhealthy relationships. I guided myself into the realm of true escape after I grew tired of hurting myself for things someone else did to me. I put myself first. My own mother never put me first, she left me with my father. My heart felt like it was being mutilated when I thought of my child ever feeling that. Over the years I have stayed in touch with that pain, and the pain of my father's abuse. It has kept me more empathic. Somehow she, my mother, lacked that fierce maternal bond. I was attached to both of my parents deeply, as children are. I am also incredibly bonded to my kids. My husband thinks I am more bonded to them and in touch intuitively with them than anyone else on earth. I love that he thinks that and am proud that I am!! Not apologizing for my goodness folks. Not gonna play it down either, I am a pretty great mama!

I give them what I never had. I feel the enormous ache and grief over my own losses as a child, I vow every second of every day that not only will I NOT repeat things, I think of what I WILL do. What can I add? Asset based thinking here, what can I give, not just what can I avoid doing. I can make a conscious effort to show my love and manage my anger and model healthy things for them. I add cafe dates, volunteering at my son's school, I teach them to be aware of mother earth and all her creatures, I honor their innocence and vow to protect it no matter what, I watch them grow and learn and try to appreciate the challenges they present me, like being more patient. Watching them safely develop and explore their bodies and express their emotions so freely is amazing and challenging. I was never allowed to feel my anger or even my joy fully. Especially not anger. Oh hell no, no anger for Sarah. And joy stifled by the always present threat of things falling apart as they so often did with my dad. He could never deliver a promise, hold down a job, keep a stable home for me. I remember when toys had to be brought back because he could not afford them. I still struggle with letting my hubs go out and shop for me at the holidays. I freeze up and feel like I am 7 again, walking through K&B, trailing my dad as he walked up to return gifts. John Lennon played in the background, singing about so this is Christmas, and what have you done? He promised a house and a dog, a job that he would keep, a mom for me, he promised to not touch me there anymore. All broken, all broken. I chose my husband because I knew that he would never do such things, although the sick little girl inside of me wanted a jerk to replay trauma with.

As for the past, the holidays I think of them. All of them, horses, people, red velvets ribbons. Are they ghosts? I don't know. William Faulkner said "The past is not dead. In fact, it's not even past. " Interpret as you will, but it's all about tending the wounds and simultaneously living in the here and now. We used to decorate their stalls with stockings and wreaths and we had parties for all the clients. People came and brought gifts and food, we even had a costume contest for the HORSES!! I miss so much their soft faces, their whinnies, their cantering up to me, the smell of the barn, like cedar and shavings... and I miss being so good at something. (I won all kinds of awards all of my life, equestrian success was a huge part of my having any self worth.) I love Angela's metaphor, though it is more literal than metaphorical for those of us who have experinced abuse, of the sword of trauma piercing us. I remember thinking to myself about five years ago, this is like an iron maiden. I feel like I am in one of those iron maidens, knives coming from every direction. Horrifyingly accurate. It is like a sword, all of it, not just being raped. Not being protected, no armor. The armor should have been my mother, my grandparents. My uncle and aunt who chose denial. The sword is out and now we tend the wound. I am tending the wound. Part of tending the wound so it does not get infected is acceptance of what was and cultivation of hope for what NOW can be. NOW, the reality is that as a parent I must accept that I AM good. I must accept that goodness. It is so hard to accept our own goodness at times. I can not explain why my mother and father, grandparents and uncle did not see my goodness and honor it as I do my children. Blinded by their own unhealed wounds, enormous gaping wounds infected with drug addiction, emotional numbness, denial, inability to protect the vulnerable ones, and fear. Infected and blinded. It was what it was. I am who I am today and though a part of me still needs to cry, rage, and ask questions, thats part of what helps me walk solidly on my healing path.

In the meantime, in the now, I am creating, with my husband and family, joyous, grateful, creative and impassioned energy for our new family tree. I know the reverberations will be felt into the next generations, and the little girl I was will feel the ripples too. I invite her to be here now, now and always.

Let's all invite our parts, our little ones inside, to come and be here with us now. They are waiting for our love and safety so they can leave the dark rooms, where they have been alone and crying, and come into the light where they belong. We can parent them now. If you are not a parent, you actually are a parent, because we all have inner children who need love, they are all the children we once were at certain times. The traumatized ones need us. And we will rise up like the phoenixes, and be here for them now.

Namaste and Love to All~S

Pep-Talk

2007-12-17T16:02:00.000-08:00

I needed a pep-talk today. The holidays are always difficult and I refuse to let them get me down. So, I am sharing with you my pep-talk, just in case you need one as well.

---

Stop and take a look around you. Most people in this world are content to stay right where they are with their relationships, careers, and happiness. Not you – you are out there finding inspiration. You are reading, and researching ways to make you and your life better. That is so impressive and confirms that you will excel in life. People admire people like you.

Acknowledge how far you have come. There are so many others that have been abused that never had the strength to move on and search for happiness. (We continue to hope and pray for them.) You have found your strength inside of you! One bad day, or month, doesn’t mean a thing. A lifetime of fighting and winning the battle is the true testament to your resiliency.

And lastly, you are beautiful. Yes, you really are! Your belief in life and in yourself shines through the clouds that haze our vision. You continue to grow yourself because deep down, you know you are worth the fight.

---

Stay Strong!

What is Normal

2007-12-11T20:08:00.001-08:00

Recent events in my life have led to one word being brought up quite a lot; normal. There was an issue I needed to make a decision on but I was feeling confused. I didn’t feel like I could make a decision until I knew one thing; are my thoughts, feelings, and ideas about my situation normal or do they stem from the cynical survivor part of my brain? How do I trust what I am feeling when I can’t decipher the origin? I asked close friends and my therapist this question. My therapist told me I was acting normal for a survivor. That didn’t make me feel better. My best friend brought up the question, “what is normal anyway?”

What is normal and why do we strive so hard to become it? It’s the feeling of not being normal that drives us to therapy. It’s the feeling of not being normal that makes us hate our bodies, damages our self esteem, and causes us to settle for less than we deserve.

The definition of the word means “conforming to the standard or common type.” Who decided what the common type was? Many different groups have their own idea of what their common type is, what is their normal. Some religious groups think people who don’t believe as they do are abnormal. Some cultures think a woman working is abnormal. Some people think having only one wife abnormal. Your childhood experiences can impact your idea of normal.

I realized this quest of mine to make a normal decision was fruitless. I needed to first figure out what my idea of normal was. The normal that works best for my life within my belief system. I also needed to learn to accept that my definition of normal and how it relates to my life will be ever changing as I progress through the healing process and journey though life. I must be willing to accept this change and the new normal, and not fight against it.

I have also realized, no matter what, I will always be abnormal to someone. That is okay too because being abnormal isn’t all that bad. After all, the world has been changed by the non-comformists, the abnormals. Think about where we would be if we never challenged the norm. It is how growth happens.

Ask the question.

2007-12-11T15:56:00.000-08:00

Something that we hear a lot from loved ones of survivors is that there is a large variety of resources for survivors to reference, but fewer that help loved ones to get a handle on what has happened and what they can do to help.

There are a number of ways in which family and friends can support an adult survivor of rape, sexual assault and gender violence:

* Listen in a way that supports and validates the survivors’ feelings.
* Let them know that you believe what they are telling you.
* Make yourself available for the survivor.
* Encourage survivors to seek help.
* Let survivors disclose details of the abuse at their own pace.
* Ask survivors what they need from you to feel safe and supported.
* Take care of yourself and get help if needed.
* Educate yourself on recovery issues. See suggested reading for a list of literature to assist you.

Admittedly, there are a lot of questions that arise when someone in your life is trying to work through their trauma. Sometimes, the things you say or do, though well intentioned, may not be appropriate or helpful to the survivor.

I have read a number of books as a survivor and as an advocate in the field. Some of which we recommend on our site.

For more information, please visit our resource page: http://www.womenspeakoutnow.com/resources.html

If you have additional resources, not yet listed please let us know. We will do our best to review them and if appropriate, add them to the list.

Days like this...

2007-12-10T16:53:00.001-08:00

There are days when what we are doing seems like baby steps in a world owned by giants.

Sometimes, not hearing from people or seeing their reactions can leave you feeling like maybe you just aren't reaching people. It can be disheartening, overwhelming. It can leave you feeling hopeless. Then there are days like today.

We received an email from an Advocate all the way from Bangalore, India named Nazu.

Nazu came across our blog and took the time to write us and let us know that our site is one that will be added to the "Askios" network to refer people to. Nazu is a survivor-advocate who created the site in order to provide resources for survivors of childhood abuse, and also network and connect with activists in India and other Asian countries, who work in the field of child sexual abuse.

We also received an email from a survivor who has yet to break their silence publicly. Someone who just doesn't feel that he is ready to speak out for fear of not being believed, for being blamed for his abuse. The social and familial stigma is just too great right now, but knowing that WSO existed was enough to reach out, in an email and let us know that there is comfort in knowing that he is not alone. Thank you for that email.

When I read these emails, I felt like the world got a little smaller and that we really are making a mark, reaching each other, across all barriers.

Today is a small reminder, that you must never lose sight of your goals. That there will be days when you feel like it's too big a feat, too difficult a task. It's in these moments that you must ask yourself "If not you, who? If not now, when?"

Never. Stop. Talking.

Race to Stop the Silence, April 08

2007-12-04T14:26:00.000-08:00

A few years ago, I found myself in Washington, DC for the 2rd Annual National Race to Stop the Silence. The whole trip was an awesome adventure and I was able to meet up with some amazing, like-minded survivor-advocates, activists and community members who truly wanted to put an end to the pandemic of abuse. It was here, that I had the privilege of meeting Pamela Pine, the woman behind the organization and in charge of planning next year's 5th Annual Race at ANACOSTIA PARK. For those of you in the D.C. area, or for those who want to fly out, I would encourage you to participate. Stop the Silence does great things, one of which is providing a place where silence is broken. For more information on this event, please visit: http://www.stopcsa.org/race/

For further information, e-mail: ppine@stopcsa.org - tell (Wo)Men Speak Out says hello!

Cafepress Sale!

2007-12-04T10:39:00.000-08:00

Free shipping on all CafePress stuff for a limited time!

Go buy your WSO merchandise before the deal ends and SEND US YOUR PICTURE! We'll put it in the Minizine!!

A portion of your purchase goes back to WSO initiatives.

Click here for store!

Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) is a humanitarian catastrophe

2007-12-04T09:28:00.000-08:00

The epidemic of rape and sexual violence in the war-torn country of the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) is a humanitarian catastrophe.

The urgency of the crisis cannot be overstated. Take Action >>

The physical and emotional harm these women and girls face is staggering, and they rarely find the medical and psychological care they so desperately need. While the perpetrators of these horrific crimes move with impunity to their next victims, whole communities live in constant fear of the next wave of violence.

The International Violence Against Women Act (S.2279) would significantly increase U.S. commitment to ending gender-based violence in the DRC and around the world. By passing the IVAWA, we will take a significant step toward addressing this type of violence in the DRC and other crisis regions around the world.

Tell the Senate to pass this legislation immediately! >>

Thank you from my heart for responding to this humanitarian catastrophe.

A crime is a crime

2007-12-03T20:42:00.000-08:00

I want to take a moment to say thanks for having me here. I hope you find my blogs worth your reading. Comments are always accepted and appreciated. Thanks so much and now on to the business at hand.

I live in Orlando and there is a story here causing quite a debate. When I first heard it on the radio, I thought I must be misunderstanding something because it didn’t make sense to me, some parts actually infuriated me. I was in the middle of writing a post on the paper’s site when I thought this would the perfect entry for my new blog. I have included the link if you want to read it the full article.

A woman was arrested on capital rape charges after a tape of her raping a five year old boy was found by a garbage collector. She was immediately charged and confessed to the crime. She was found guilty by a jury and went on to sentencing. Sounds like an open and shut case, right? Well, wrong!

On the day of sentencing, the judge, not the defense attorney, threw out the verdict and ordered a new trial because in Florida, the mandatory sentence is life without parole. The judge released a statement which in part said:

“The fact that the defendant faces a Draconian punishment for a crime where the victim is alive and apparently living a normal life some eleven years after the criminal act, when criminals who have killed people are released from prison almost daily, makes it even more imperative that the defendant receive a fair and impartial trial "

What the judge is implying and the article is summarizing is that since the child doesn’t seem to remember the rape or suffer ill effects from it, is it really a crime. What kind of rationale is this? Is this the precedent we really want to set? How can anyone say if he will remember the rape down the road, or if he remembers now but is too ashamed to admit it. When I was 16, you would of thought I lived a normal life too. I hid my pain well and the last thing I wanted to do at that age was talk about being raped. Regardless, the little boy in the video deserves justice. Whether he remembers or not, a crime is a crime.

Let's take a moment to examine this thinking a little further. How far can this be taken? If I am drugged or beaten before I am raped and I can't remember the details, does that mean I wasn't raped? If I am in a car accident and the impact erased my memory of the event, does my insurance company not have to pay for the repairs. If I am asleep during a surgery, did the surgery not happen? It is basically the modern day version of, “If the tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it still make a sound.” I say yes and if the child doesn’t remember, it is still a crime. However, unlike the tree, someone was around to hear it. They are called jurors and they saw the video. Now I want to hear the sound of justice.

One last point to ponder, if this child was a 5 year old girl, and the rapist was a 21 one year old male, would there be a discussion at all?

Mike Lew

2007-12-03T13:06:00.001-08:00

I had the privilege of meeting Mike Lew several years ago at a conference in O.H.I.O. He is an amazing author and advocate and one of our favorite authorities on the topic of Male Sexual Violence .

Mike wrote our Sept 07 BOOK OF THE MONTH pick: VICTIMS NO LONGER The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse.

Mike appeared on Breaking the Conspiracy of Silence back in February and we wanted to share this archive with you on the topic of male abuse.

This is a three-part interview:

Secton 1: Mike shared why he prefers to use the term "sexual child abuse" and how he happened to get into working with victims of sexual abuse. We talked about why men don't disclose as readily as women. Click: http://salesbr.vo.llnwd.net/o2/D2L/dtl070228a.mp3

Section 2: They discussed the impact of sexual abuse on men, including the issue of male stereotypes and images of masculinity, shame and the assumption that abused boys will become perpetrators. Click: http://salesbr.vo.llnwd.net/o2/D2L/dtl070228b.mp3

Section 3: Mike discussed the recovery process for men, including the importance of finding safety, giving up isolation, feeling the pain, making allies and having fun. He stressed that counselors who work with this issue have respect for the client, since that is a major wound for abused people.Click: http://salesbr.vo.llnwd.net/o2/D2L/dtl070228c.mp3

Funding cuts have disallowed this amazing radioshow: Breaking the Conspiracy of Silence, to no longer exists. Archives are still available, but our hope is that sponsors will be found in order to get this resource up and running again. If you or someone you know can help, please email Kathleen and let her know that you heard about it from WSO. We love Kathleen!!

Breaking the Conspiracy of Silence is now accepting sponsors and advertisers for the Internet radio show, Breaking the Conspiracy of Silence. For more information and rates contact: Kathleen@ethicalife.com

Downsize Your Impact

2007-12-03T12:21:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure about all of you, but our passions don't end with abuse advocacy. We believe that everyone and everything on this planet is interconnected and as such we are concerned with all faces of advocacy around the globe.

In an attempt to shed some positive energy and connect with like-minded people, we have created a blog called: Downsize Your Impact. Click HERE to view it and learn more.

Consciousness gives us the ability to see that the suffering of any impacts us all. It's the realization that we are not alone, but interconnected. Downsize Your Impact is dedicated to lessening suffering on earth, through advocacy in all areas of sustainability, to include agriculture, industry, forestry, fisheries, and human communities.

Our objective is to create a positive space where we share healthy ways of connecting with ourselves and others. It is a forum where we can come together and help one another find ways of feeling better about ourselves and moving forward in our healing.

For me personally, being able to help the planet as a whole, in all her facets brings me a greater piece of mind.

We hope that "Downsize Your Impact" is yet another resource on the growing list of resources that will allow you to change the world, one step at a time.

Emotional Heirlooms

2007-12-02T08:24:00.000-08:00

Howdy, ya'll. Holiday time is upon us, and I want to remind everyone to look for positive triggers, perhaps even consciously create new traditions that are totally yours and yours alone.

My husband and I are doing the tree farm thing with our kids this year. He was raised in a religion that did not observe any holidays, no birthdays, no Christmas, etc. (LAME)

My mother left me when I was 26 moths old. She wanted to pursue her own interests which at the time were a rock band. I was raised by a father who never held a job down, mooched off his parents, who enabled him in every way. He began molesting me as a baby, about one and a half. He eventually kidnapped and raped me in a motel room in New Orleans.

My mother was supposed to come to meet us there, she never came. His family chose denial and I chose emancipation, so I waved bye bye to that freak show for good in 2004. I was born in New Orleans, Louisiana. We likes to get down in Nola. Naturally, I have always loved holidays. Just inherently love celebratory energy. Any opportunity to shake what I got, I shall! Like right now, James Brown is playing, he's singing about his soulful Christmas tree and grooving at Christmas time, and I can barely sit here to type because my ass just wants to shake itself....but I digress.

Troy, my hubs, and the kids and moi were driving the other day, discussing ornaments, the passing of legacies to our children, what if any legacy we have yet to obliterate from our respective childhoods. Most were in need of total annihilation! As we were talking, I said,
"you know, what about emotional heirlooms?" He said, "Oh my god, write about it!"
That's what it's like...we pass down the ornaments, silver, the plates, even the the dysfunction because it seems easier than actually changing things, we pass down habits, idiosyncrasies.

But, I think of what we are leaving our children as more than a legacy. Legacies are a little intangible. What emotional heirlooms will we pass to them? Literally, for each moment in life, what are we passing? What crystallized moments, whether joyous or painful, will we give them to hold? Will we remember that those very heirlooms are going directly to our grandchildren as well? My parents and grandparents on both sides never thought past themselves. Ever.
This has to be done very deliberately. This year, our positive triggers are the tree farm, side-of-the-road apple cider, and lots of groovy Christmas music. Now, the tree farm thing is essential, as I have much trauma surrounding the holidays.

I am creating future triggers, or memories, that will eventually pass into being emotional heirlooms for us and our babies, and their babies too..Screw Santa's list, I have made a list from my childhood, what was good, what was not. When I was little, Christmas was pretty good considering the context, at my dad's folks. I always missed my mother terribly and felt lonesome for that maternal love. I always feared my father's mercurial moods at Christmas. I feared his father for the same reason. Even at my grandparents, it was often like walking on glass. It was up to me to push for the tree, the lights, the merriment. If I had not been so determined to celebrate, I am quite sure no one would have done it. Many of the traditions once held dear in my family unraveled with the years of escalating abuse. It was not very safe to feel merry, for I always knew any merriment was a precursor to violence. Still, I stayed up all night decorating that tree, giving my soul room to be expressed.Yet in the midst of it all I stayed up all night decorating the tree. I loved doing it, me awake with all the animals.

I look at my babes today, and they have a brand new world, a mother who would rather die a slow painful death than abandon them, a father who is healthy, kind, sensitive, a love like no love I ever knew on Christmas and every other day. I am giving myself all things new as well. New heirlooms. New feelings, letting the joy in, relishing it, allowing my heart to be porous so that I may soak it all in. The joy that my children feel becomes my own. . When I see my children happy, free, and safe, I celebrate that with a deep smile, taking the moment home into my heart, and thanking the universe for this life. As we do this in our new family, we heal the children we once were as well, so everyone benefits. Instead of being angry or bitter because we were cheated, we choose to celebrate, and the taste is ever sweeter because of our respective histories.

Here's to new and healthy emotional heirlooms. We may not be able to hang those from a tree, or place them upon a mantle to look at, but they will live forever in the hearts of our children.

Welcome Sarah!

2007-12-01T15:15:00.000-08:00

WSO welcomes Sarah Elise to our growing list of contributors for the (Wo)Men Speak Out Blog.

Sarah and I met on the Angela Shelton survivor forum on the days before Angela even knew who I was! Over 5 years later, we are still working our butts off sharing our stories, through out own organizations now, with all who will listen. Some of you may know Sarah as our featured Artist of the Month in the Oct 07 Minizine.

Sarah is truly a bright light. It is with great admiration that we welcome Sarah to our circle of survivor-advocates and look forward to her future posts.

Namaste Sarah and thank you for being here.

December 07 Minizine

2007-11-30T14:22:00.000-08:00

The December 07 Minizine is now online and ready to download.
We hope you love it and welcome your comments: menspeakout@gmail.com

Enjoy!

Chris & Ophelia
and Aleks (our magical design fairy)

Issue 4 - Dec 07

Our Strength as Boys & Men - Christopher de Serres
What's In A Name - Ophelia de Serres
Advocate of the Month - Forence Holway
Stifle It - Diann Diaz
Keeping the Promise, Part 2 - Karen A. Duncan
Dental Tips for Survivors - Dr. Kate F. Hays
We Can Hear You - Survivor Emails
Question & Answer - Therapy for the male survivor
I, Anonymous - Dissociative Identity Disorder
Featured Artist - Hugo
Featured Book - Separated From The Light
WSOtv - Video showcase
Classifieds & Events

D.I.D. Awareness Ribbon - Your vote counts

2007-11-30T13:38:00.000-08:00

There's an awesome new ribbon that is being created in an effort to bring awareness to Dissociative Identity Disorder. There is currently no ribbon for D.I.D. and as per the survivor manual, this info is being distributed to gain votes and get the best ribbon for the cause.

Take a look and make your vote count.

For those who haven't seen it, check out the
D.I.D. video blog

Introductions are in order!

2007-11-30T12:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Friends,

In an effort to to create a broader platform for community action we have expanded our list of authors, writing in collaboration with Chris and myself on the WSO blog

Our first entry is a friend and fellow advocate of mine, Angela Rakis. I met Angela years ago at her annual conference for V.O.I.C.E.S. in Ohio. She is an amazing spokesperson and survivor-advocate and someone that we feel is a wonderful addition to our WSO team.

Jaime, is also a friend and advocate in the field. With a vast array of experience, Jaime brings a wealth of knowledge in rape, sexual assault and gender violence awareness. We look forward to seeing her posts, in the coming weeks.

Our newest team member is well known amongst the male-survivor community here on myspace. His name is Hugo, a.k.a. Male survivor.
He is an established artist and writer and we are honored to have him on the team. Thank you for being here.

Our list of writers is expanding and as more posts are made, we will introduce each, respectively.

We encourage you all to subscribe to our blog, to stay updated on the latest in WSO news.

THANK YOU! for all that you do.

Namaste,

Ophelia & Chris

Girls Fight Back!

2007-11-30T00:51:00.000-08:00

There have been a series of assaults on women in the Seattle area. The attacker is still at large.

These attacks are random. This could be you.

Stay safe. Stay alert! Buy GIRLS FIGHT BACK today. Invest in yourself. You're worth it.

Pass it on.

BUY THIS BOOK
Girls Fight Back!: The College Girl's Guide to Protecting Herself

Let me introduce myself

2007-11-29T18:04:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone. My name is Angela Rakis and I have been invited by Ophelia and Chris to participate on the WSO blog. It is truly an honor. Thank you both!!

I am also an abuse survivor and now an advocate for survivors of all types of abuse. I personally understand the seriousness of the long term effects abuse has on a person. Those who have not been abuse, or choose to ignore their own situation, often express disbelief that an event that occurred so long ago can have daily effects on an adult. We know better. This is the number one reason why I am an advocate and speak out on the subject. There are an incredible number of adults suffering without any support and I believe that is unacceptable. We all need support and love if we are to move forward to create a healthy and happy life for ourselves.

I am committed to supporting survivors in as many ways as possible and welcome this opportunity to communicate with so many people that are dealing with the same issues I am. Although I went through several years of serious work on myself, and made great progress in my self-acceptance and healing, there will always be an internal struggle with the subject of abuse.

In my future posts I will share with you my thoughts on these issues and I welcome your feedback.

~ Angela

Reinventing Family

2007-11-29T00:25:00.000-08:00

Today has been one filled with much mixed emotion. There are quite a few friends out there who are going through an extremely difficult time right now and with the holidays just around the corner, I was called to make this video to vent some of my thoughts. I hope it serves you well and gives some light in the darkness. Be well.

-Ophelia

Minizine Readers!

2007-11-28T22:46:00.000-08:00

Manifest it!

2007-11-27T13:30:00.000-08:00

We have been receiving video blog requests from quite a few readers, asking questions about how to deal with their individual experiences. We will be posting some new videos shortly and are currently compiling a list for future entries.

Again, if you are interested in having WSO focus on a particular topic, please email us your suggestion to menspeakout@gmail.com and we will do our best to facilitate a discussion.

We will expanding our blog this month, to include several other survivor-advocates, authors and artists in the field who we feel encompass the vision of (Wo)Men Speak Out. In time, this list will grow to allow for a more diverse experience for our readers, both male and female. Our mission is to share our experiences, in order to create a broader platform for community action.

We look forward to your feedback and continued support.

November 25th & 16 Days of Activism

2007-11-25T22:40:00.000-08:00

WSO asks: What will your 16 days of activism consist of?

This year marks the 17th anniversary of the 16 Days of Activism against Gender Violence — an international campaign originating from the first Women's Global Leadership Institute in 1991, when participants chose the dates November 25, International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women, and December 10, International Human Rights Day, in order to symbolically emphasize that violence against women is a human rights violation. The 16 Days Campaign has been embraced as an organizing strategy by a broad spectrum of individuals and groups around the world to call for the elimination of all forms of violence against women through activities ranging from media programmes to demonstrations, conferences, exhibitions and performances.

The overarching theme of this year’s campaign — Demanding Implementation, Challenging Obstacles — indicates that while there has been much progress made, challenges persist that hinder the effectiveness of efforts by activists and organizations to prevent and respond to the violence women suffer everywhere around the globe.

The 16 Days Campaign seeks to help dismantle obstacles and overcome challenges posed by social attitudes and policies that condone and perpetuate gender-based violence.

Its starting date, November 25th, was chosen in honour of the Mirabal sisters, political activists from the Dominican Republic who were assassinated on the same day in 1961. The three sisters were murdered for their efforts to oppose dictatorship in their country, and their legacy of bravery and compassion has made them national and international heroines.

It was in 1999 that the United Nations officially joined the campaign by designating 25 November the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women (resolution 54/134). This followed on from a 1993 Declaration on the Elimination of Violence against Women, in which the UN General Assembly resolved “that violence against women constitutes a violation of the rights and freedoms of women” & identified “a need for ... commitment by the international community at large to the elimination of violence against women.” UN agencies have since partnered with non-governmental organizations (NGOs) and governments to conduct regional campaigns to raise awareness and mobilize community action. UNIFEM, as part of its deep involvement in the global fight to eradicate violence against women, has taken the
lead in coordinating several UN inter-agency campaigns in Africa, Latin America, Asia and the CEE/CIS region, to foster and promote innovative strategies to address the issue.

Retrieved from http://www.unifem.org/campaigns/vaw/16days.php
Copyright © 2007 United Nations Development Fund for Women (UNIFEM)

Article submissions for the Minizine

2007-11-16T17:06:00.000-08:00

There have been quite a few people emailing us about information for the Minizine. We have decided that it would be best to post here so that people have it down in writing to refer to and forward on.

In keeping with the aims of the Minizine, we are always looking for high quality writing and journalism –survivors, advocates and community members who wish to contribute their stories are encouraged to submit an article for consideration using the following guidelines:

Format
We prefer simple text based submissions, in Microsoft Word or a similar.

SIMPLE PUNCTUATION RULES:
One space after each period, colon, or semi-colon.
Periods should be inside of quotes.
Please do not indent.

MUST BE AN ORIGINAL ARTICLE THAT YOU WROTE. If you work for an author as an employee or contractor and are submitting the article, please submit the article as if it was from the original author including his or her email address and name.

Please include your name, title, organization and contact details at the bottom of your article as you would like them printed.

All submissions must represent themes that align with our organization's mission, working from an anti-oppressive framework.

(Wo)Men Speak Out is an organization dedicated to eradicating male/female violence against both genders. We seek to educate both men and women, cultivating healthy relationships and gender equity.

Word count

One page of Minizine is approximately 600 words. Articles longer than 2 pages are generally not suitable for The Minizine with the exception by regular contributors.

We recommend 1 page for a standard length article, but welcome longer articles. If you would like to contribute a longer article, please feel free to email us the details of the article to confirm placement availability.

Photos to submit with your article should be high quality. Colored head shots are preferred.

Deadlines

We have rigorous quality control and production procedures to follow and therefore our deadlines are important. We ask all contributors to observe them. Deadlines for 2007 Editions are the 20th day of each month. These dates may be revised in 2008.

Please email your article to: menspeakout@gmail.com

The Rape of Mr. Smith

2007-11-12T17:49:00.000-08:00

The Rape of Mr. Smith
— Author Unknown

The law discriminates against rape victims in a manner which would not be tolerated by victims of any other crime. In the following example, a holdup victim is asked questions similar in form to those usually asked a victim of rape.

"Mr. Smith, you were held up at gunpoint on the corner of 16th and Locust?"
"Yes."
"Did you struggle with the robber?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"He was armed."
"Then you made a conscious decision to comply with his demands rather than to resist?"
"Yes."
"Did you scream? Cry out?"
"No. I was afraid."
"I see. Have you ever been held up before?"
"No."
"Have you ever given money away?"
"Yes, of course —"
"And did you do so willingly?"
"What are you getting at?"
"Well, let's put it like this, Mr. Smith. You've given away money in the past — in fact, you have quite a reputation for philanthropy. How can we be sure that you weren't contriving to have your money taken from you by force?"
"Listen, if I wanted —"
"Never mind. What time did this holdup take place, Mr. Smith?"
"About 11 p.m."
"You were out on the streets at 11 p.m.? Doing what?"
"Just walking."
"Just walking? You know it's dangerous being out on the street that late at night. Weren't you aware that you could have been held up?"
"I hadn't thought about it."
"What were you wearing at the time, Mr. Smith?"
"Let's see. A suit. Yes, a suit."
"An expensive suit?"
"Well — yes."
"In other words, Mr. Smith, you were walking around the streets late at night in a suit that practically advertised the fact that you might be a good target for some easy money, isn't that so? I mean, if we didn't know better, Mr. Smith, we might even think you were asking for this to happen, mightn't we?"
"Look, can't we talk about the past history of the guy who did this to me?"
"I'm afraid not, Mr. Smith. I don't think you would want to violate his rights, now, would you?"

Points with Purpose

2007-11-09T15:34:00.000-08:00

From thousands of tragic events, a beautiful drawing is born.

David Ilan, a celebrity artist has created a project named Points with Purpose. Through his specialized technique he gives dots a greater meaning by associating each dot with a real person who has been raped or sexually abused.

I love this project not only because it is a beautiful and empowering tribute to the female survivor but more personally, the woman who is sketched in the drawing looks very much like my sister Maggie, who passed away in 2001. Maggie was not only my sister but also a survivor of incest and domestic violence, and very much the reason for my advocacy today. The likeness is actually quite amazing and though coincidental, I believe that everything happens for a reason and I was meant to stumble upon this amazing project.

If you have been raped or sexually abused you can join the project on his site (It's free), giving your real name or an alias, and have the option of sharing your story. David will add one dot for every person who joins until the drawing is complete.

The final drawing will be of a woman looking confident, proud and beautiful. By joining the project, thousands of people with a shared tragic experience will work together to form a work of art meant to show others who go through similar experiences that they too can feel confident, proud and beautiful again.

Make a point of telling your story today: http://www.pointswithpurpose.com/

Erin Weed - AM 760

2007-11-09T11:02:00.000-08:00

Fellow Advocate and friend, Erin Weed is now hosting a radio show on AM 760 in Denver called Women on Top. If you missed her show this Sunday, check it out here

GFB was born in 2001 in response to the murder of a gorgeous, talented and much-loved college student named Shannon McNamara. Shannon's friend and Alpha Phi sorority sister, Erin Weed, founded GFB shortly after the murder when she realized safety and self-defense resources were simply hard to come by. Six years after the creation of GFB, Erin still travels the nation speaking to 100,000 women per year. She also writes books and magazine articles on women's safety and has contributed to our very own (Wo)Men Speak Out Minizine.

Erin is an amazing Advocate and we all need to support such an amazing talk-radio show!
Tune in to AM 760 Sundays at 2pm MST for another hour of Erin. If you don't live near Colorado, listen streaming live on the internet at www.AM760.net

The Everyday Together Campaign

2007-11-08T14:27:00.000-08:00

The Everyday Together Campaign
Deadline: December 6, 2007

Let's talk D.I.D.

2007-11-05T23:42:00.000-08:00

There has been a lot of inaccurate information circulating on the internet that has been causing a lot of confusion on the survivor/mental health side of things. In an attempt to clear up some of the confusion, I have created this short 7min youtube video. Take a look and let us know of any additional resources that you would like to share.

Additionally, mentioned here are the links to the literature in this video.
Multiple Personality Disorder from the Inside Out
Separated From the Light (A Path Back from Psychological Trauma)

I also received an email from P.O.S of myspace who recommends the following site for partners of DID survivors. Please take a look: http://www.op.net/~jeffv/so1.htm

Please feel free to post comments with additional resources for people to reference.

A Mother's Choice

2007-09-22T23:01:00.000-07:00

Often, we hear of men who molest young girls and women and receive too little jail time or often, no penalty at all for their crimes. Tonight, on television was a story of a mother who was the co-abuser to her daughter of 7 years old. The reason for her decision, she wanted to "prove her love" to her husband. The ultimate sacrifice, in her mind would surely win over his commitment and perhaps allow some sense of normalcy to their lives. Normalcy stemmed from incest, an interesting and obviously distorted reasoning, an excuse to commitment the ultimate betrayal.

These stories are not new to me, having read hundreds of thousands of emails over the years depicting torturous and unbelievable acts of abuse. However, it always takes a moment longer for me to come to terms with mothers who turn on their own children, in order to gain the "love" of a man in their life. They themselves, abuse victims in the hell that is intimate partner violence. Part of me feels torn by the understanding that they face their own fear and pain and yet, I cannot condone the line that is crossed from victim to abuser.

There were so many levels to this particular case, but what I was struck by was an issue that screams true for so many women; needing a man in order to feel validated, worthy, loved. Often, women (and men) who are survivors of abuse will do find themselves doing things and allowing things to be done without questioning the impact of their decision. There is a laundry list of reason why such things happen, but one very important factor is conditioning.

If you are told that you are useless and unworthy each and every day of your life, parts of you, if not all of you will begin to believe it. There is truth behind the saying "thoughts are things" in that what you believe you become. If you are a vulnerable child your choice and sense of reality outside of your caregivers is drastically reduced and the name and expectations placed upon you will be your burden until you are old enough or fortunate enough to learn otherwise. For all of us, I believe this means being our own teachers.

A few years ago, I found myself in a relationship with a man who was quite older than me. I didn't realize at that time, that a large part of my connection to him was based on my relationship with my father. An odd and somewhat disconcerting realization, however one that looking back and being a survivor of incest, makes a lot of sense to me now. To make a long story short, I allowed myself to stay in this relationship and undergo behavior that I now see as abusive on many levels.

I fell in love with a man, and allowed him to control me in order to gain his affection and approval, much like I did with my father. The difference here is that I am no longer the abused child of 4 years old, but instead a grown woman making adult choices. The catch? On many levels, in the decisions that I made in that relationship (and others like it), my inner child, the one who learned what love was from her father, was still seeking love in the same way from men who could not give her what she needed. Self-worth, validation, self-respect, a true sense of self are all things that we must find in ourselves and that cannot be resolved by others.

I see myself as fortunate to have gotten out of that relationship before marriage or children. I can only imagine how much more complicated life would have been had my life changed even slightly to the left or where it is today. I see my mother and sister in my own experience, yet they were not as fortunate. My sister, passed and my mother having spent 30 years with an abusive husband. I see that choices that she made. I try not to judge her and yet, sometimes I do, still. I wish that all women and men will see their worth and never make the choices that will endanger themselves or their children. We must break the cycle now before it is too late.

Rekindle

2007-09-22T11:13:00.001-07:00

Every so often we have to remind ourselves what we are living for. What gets our juices REALLY flowing. It can be so easy to just float out to sea, in the busy-ness of work, of the day-to-day, in the midst of depression. There are so many things overpowering our time and attention. We all just lose track.

So I found a tree with a nice green lawn below it. I laid down, watched busy people, at all rates of speed, walk, run, jog right by me. Then I looked straight up at the leaves and branches, with the strong rays of the Sun shining through them, making them almost transparent.

I had my IPod with me. So I fired up a song I hadn't shuffled out in quite some time. Music always helps me focus on me, my life. If I was going to focus, then I had to let go completely. Why the hell not? So I extended my arms out to my side, spread my legs, kind of like if I were to make angels in the snow.

What makes me excited? I mean, really brings a solid knot in my stomach, sends water barely peeking out of the tear ducts in preparation for the flood. I think of when I was a child, and my mother bought me my first He-Man action figure. I could remember it was a hot day like this, we were baking in the car. My mom rushed to roll down the windows, but I was oblivious. I pulled out the plastic packaging. It was He-Man, with a jagged double-edged axe, and bulging muscles all over his body. I couldn't believe the moment was here, so I took my time, ran my hand across the clear plastic, read every word on the package. Then I tore it open, grabbed the muscle bound toy with authority, and proclaimed myself the "Master of Grayskull!"

I wanted to find that again. To be that full of excitement and anticipation. I missed that about childhood. I miss that feeling terribly. We don't let ourselves feel that committed to something. Where we risk the ridicule, the judgments of others, because we are so consumed by emotion, by our clarity of purpose, by that which is best in us.

So there I sat, in the grass. I saw Monkey Face. In the plains of Eastern Oregon sits a large tower of rock, with a distinct rounded top. Just below the top sits a small cave, shaped very much like a mouth, and just above that sat the 'eye'. People climb that monolith, straight up it's side. I had been in that area almost 20 times, and had talked about climbing it for the past two years. I even had the balls to go out there with the INTENTION of getting to it's top. But it wasn't my time yet.

I could see myself working like Spiderman up it's side, climbing into the mouth, and pulling my body to it's top. Then I clutched both hands into fists, raise them above my head, and my entire body shook, like some kinetic lightning bolt fed into me.

As I saw this picture, I made it brighter, I brought it closer, so I could make out the expression on my face. In that moment I FELT like the Master of Grayskull.

But it hasn't happened...yet.

I know that there are more important things in life than climbing a piece of rock. But what can be more important than what that represents to me? That's real power.

The power to forget yourself and find yourself.

Chris

WSO

Reflection in an instant

2007-09-22T10:29:00.000-07:00

I have a friend who lives her life in goodness. Like many of us, she is a caregiver. She spends her days helping others. She also lives her life in fear, each day looking over her shoulder and doing the best she can to stay safe. Her life, one of unbelievable turmoil and incredible strength. She fights for the rights of so many but like many of us, forgets or is sometimes unable to see how worthy she is of love, how much she is already loved or simply that she is not alone.

This road is long and tiresome sometimes. Many of us have lived experiences that are unspeakable, or at least unbelievable to utter. We compare our wounds and work incredibly hard to lift ourselves up to a place where we can recognize our strength. We are not defined by our past but it can be unclear just how much of it has contributed to our struggle to simply, "get through" the day.

So, I write this short blog in response to the pain I shared in a moment of disclosure. A moment where the world came crashing down and the realization that what was normal, can no longer be that again, but that we must redefine what normal is and rebuild foundations. I speak to all of those that have experienced pain, confusion and fear.

To those who have been granted second, third and forth chances, that we should know that even in the darkest of hours; there is light. That there is love and friendship.

That there is hope. We all need hope.

Ophelia